Hecksing: The Dawn
by Great Pikmin Fan
Summary: Part of the SBIG series. A prequel to the intentionally badly written "Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals", focused on... "the past", sort of. Alucard, Walter, and Integra go on several missions spanning through the contemporary era, fighting a number of evil organizations led by the former's evil brother. Completed.
1. The Don

**Hecksing: The Dawn**

**Chapter 1: The Don**

**Beginning AN:**

This is a prequel to _Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals_ and the third story (not counting HUC itself) that contributes to expanding its ever-expanding universe. Like HUC and _Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals_ (the first expansion) but unlike _Carl Stevens Universe_ (the second), this one will also be done badly on purpose and is installment number eight in _SBIG_. Unlike both HUC itself and HHC, it will not have typoes and mispellings in it - even in the beginning bits! - unless I feel they are appropriate. Pretty much because I was told twice by different people on different installments that typoes just make it hard to understand, and by themselves do not add to the value of it.

**This might spoil quite a lot about HUC proper. If you have any interest in reading HUC unspoiled, please do not proceed and read HUC first.** Although, as this itself says, you could just read through the world chronologically instead, which I think only means skipping the first paragraph of the story proper and avoiding the sections that are said to be spoilers. Which is supposed to decrease phenominally after this chapter.

This is kind of stretching on not being a _Hellsing_ fan fic, given how Alucard is vastly out of character (complete with a different backstory), I'm not really trying that hard with Integra or Walter either. Plus the whole plot's different from the original _Hellsing: The Dawn_...

By the way, just to be perfectly clear, I want to say again in bold (for those who skip opening notes) that **this is done badly on purpose!** Despite the lack of typoes and blatant self-insert protagonists, this is still a joke story not meant to be taken seriously. Those stupid plot moments here are _supposed_ to be laughed at, though whether it works or not is kind of up to my own skill.

**Disclaimer:** The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by an expert group of supernatural fighters and one badass mob leader. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!

* * *

You know how in _Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals_ the main characters are Seras Rip my OC Carl, and for sequel serieses like the much better written _Carl Stevens Universe_ the Captain to a lesser extent becomes a fourth person when needed? Yeah? What about Alucard, Integra, Walter, and Pip? Well, fucking Pip, we'll give them screentime in the form of a PREQUEL. No sequels because they are **spoilers** dead **end spoilers** and they're revealed to be dead in the thirteenth chapter of HUC which takes place in the future, so nothing before that moment of the future can have them otherwise they'll just come back to life only to die again and that would be stupid. Think of Hecksing like Red Dwarf which was once a really big organization but now it's just down to a handful of idiots after everyone died, and their Pikmin. Except Red Dwarf did not have Pikmin.

Anyway, we'll start the story by thickening Alucard's flashback as that is actually where I DO want it to start, not that I just wanted to give a fancy backstory intro or a perspective thing. Anyway, he rebelled against his older bro from wanting to join his family tradition at the age of 13.

"then i shall poonish you eh!" His mysterious older brother said. Now, since this is taking place in HUC's past, I of course do not want to give away who he is in case you want to read this chronologically.

Anyway, Alucard's bro punched him into the gut and sent him flying across the Atlantic ocean, except it was not a complete punch across the ocean since I wanted to do this cool thing where he falls on the water surface itself five miles away from shore, but using his fancy Badguy training skills, Alucard stopped his feet on the water and he skidded across and it was really cool like in anime. After reaching the shore, he also skid across the sand's of the beach, and blew off a hot beach woman's top because this is supposed to be a lot of fan service in this story. Alucard's heels hit sidewalk and he flipped and landed on the street, where he ran to avoid cars like in Frogger. In the future Bro will get powerful enough to make a complete punch across oceans and do much more so the punch was only incomplete to show Alucard on water.

Then his Bro phonecalled him, and I forgot exactly what he said, I don't want to look through HUC right now and if I say something else then people will go Big Bang Theory on me about the different multiverses and stuff so I'm cutting to the part where his phone exploded on him! Except an unseen event from HUC, the explosion also blew off an arm and an eye since Alucard was not a vampire yet!

"NO! I WAS RIGHT HANDED! NOW I HAVE TO START ALL OVER!" Alucard cried. "Oh wait now I'm like Vriska Serket. Cool!"

He took a deep breath in, and a deep breath out, and looked around. First he made his way to the topless woman. The one who was topless because whose top he knocked off, not because it's Europe.

"Where am I?" He asked. "I was in the United States of America before, but I flew across either an ocean or a really really big lake. So I want to be sure. BECAUSE THAT IS THE GOODGUY MOTO!"

"This is the United Kingdoms of London."

He nodded, and then walked away, and then when nobody was looking a hologram of a head came out from hiding in her bikini bottom.

"Hm..." said this hologram figure. "I have no idea who this kid is, but I like his atittude already."

"He looks like the younger brother of that infamous Badguy guy!" The woman said. "I know it because the older Badguy brother is a celebrity, and a few years ago the younger one kept talking about how much he wanted to abandon the tradition."

"Oh. Oh boy. That's bad for **Hitler Revival Group**s like us. He'll want to directly oppose us. We must stay on alert, daughter. In the event of him doing something, please don't hesitate to don't hesitate me to send the Mafiamights after him."

The woman giggled, and then when she smiled it showed a pair of vampire fangs.

"Sure thing, daddy."

* * *

Ok this time I did look through the chapter.

It was a bad World War I and lots of people died and London was wrecked. Alucard had gone to the hospital before hand though so he would not get an infection from the injury that the explosion left him. He did however still need an eyepatch, and no fake arm because there's wasn't any real prosthetic arms back in the day. He just came out of hiding since the war ended, holding a roll of ductape in one hand and a wooden plank in... the same hand.

"Hee hee hee the Doctor said this would be a waste of time but I CAN DO THIS! I WILL BECOME A PIRATE SORT OF, EXCEPT WITH A MISSING ARM INSTEAD OF A MISSING LEG!"

And he got to live out his hidden dream of being a pirate! By sticking the wood against a wall, then putting his stump to it, while using the tape to tie it all together. "THIS IS SO COOL I COULD TALK LIKE A PIRATE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! YAR MATIES! EVEN AFTER I GET AN ARM GROWN BACK BUT I WOULDN'T KNOW HOW BUT- oh hey wait a minute..."

He saw a shop that read: "Dracula's Supernatural Shop! If this was a video game, it's where shit gets real! (Note it's legal to say Shit in London) We can turn you into a vampire! Or sell you powerful magical stuff!"

Alucard rubbed his chin and entered.

"Want do you want?" Dracula, the shop runner, said.

"I NEED TO BECOME A VAMPIRE! It's not that I want to heal my arm, after all I think I could live with it, it's just that I need to avenge my Bro."

"I'm sowwy, I cannot tuwn you."

"Why not?"

"BECAUSE WE ARE BOTH GUYS! ONLY WOMEN CAN TURN MEN, AND MEN CAN TUWN WOMEN! AND MY FEMALE TUWNEW IS DEAD FWOM WORLD WAR ONE SO SHE CAN'T JOIN UNTIL LIKE EVER!"

"Oh fiddlesticks."

"But I'll tell you what. In the future, gender seperations will go down a little bit, so the vampire king will no longer discriminate because the equal rights movement will change his mind. That's why Carl was able to transform Quimby in HUC."

"How long will I have to wait?"

"About fourty years."

"DAMN!"

Then he left, and he was in such a bad mood that he did not bother picking up anything else from the shop that might help him out. He was storming across the country, wanting a way to get powerful! But he felt too weak! He couldn't even go to the same country he was in without getting punched back here or to another country. Or worse, the ocean.

WEorld War I was at least over with, but not too long after marked the beginning of World War II. Hm. He was sent there in 1914, and then I guess to make this match the story World War One's ending, which I think was 1935, happened shortly before II's beginning, and II will end on 1945. So that makes pre-vampire Alucard... 34 let's say, because he didn't have his birthday yet.

Then he was running! Running away from his Bro's supernatural villains! So much that he did not notice when he ran into a figure! They both fell but the figure got up sooner than he did and it looked at him.

"Watch... where... you're... going." Said figure said, and then laughed at him.

"And who might you be?"

The figure looked like a women, really talk and mostly cloaking herself in shadows via umbrella. Except for her bright teeth and also bright glasses shining at him, and he could tell she was in a purple suit. Speaking of her teeth, he couldn't help but notice the fangs. Why he didn't notice the fangs of the beach woman earlier was because he wasn't as into vampires as he was now.

"Oh hey, you look like a vampire. Are you?"

"Yes."

"Hey can you turn me?"

She shrugged. But to make this more dramatic than the flashback of HUC, I can say that the shrug led to a fit of laughter!

"Do you really want to get into the seedy underbelly of the vampire business? Do you not know what trials and tasks lurk ahead? Do you not know the comforts of the mortality you will be giving up?"

"Conforts of mortality? Are you saying that there be such thing as immortality?"

"Yes."

"There isn't."

She laughed at him. "Oh, stranger, stranger, how you would like to think that. What you don't know is that you are speaking to someone who had walked the Earth for over six hundred years. I am six hundred and sixteen years old."

"Nice. Can you turn me?"

"This will be my last time asking you: Are you sure?"

"YES! I NEED TO AVVENGE MY BRO1"

And then he saw her mouth growing a lot and becoming really scary as she made rows of teeth, and then blackness.

He had a dream. That he was running around, fully healed, and shooting a cannon at an army of zombies and werewolfs and ghosts. He was running straight foreward the whole time, shouting "Revenge! Revenge! Revenge!"

Then he woke up when he ran into Integra. They both fell to the floor.

"Who are you?" He asked after he came to.

"Hey there. My name is Integra Heck. I am thinking of starting an organization to stop all vampires, zombies, and werewolfs. Care to join?"

"Hm, Heck. I like that name. I can UNLEESH HECK on the badguys."

"Oh. You never told me _your_ name."

"Pardon me matey, the reason why I said my last sentence with 'Badguy' is because my name is Alucard Badguy, and I WANT TO PUT AN END TO MY FAMILY'S TRADITION!"

Integra smiled, and pointed in a direction. "Then let's get started! This is a new dawn!"

**HECKSING: THE DAWN**

**CHAPTER i**

**(Yes this was all the intro and now for the actual story. With originality and not copypasta of chapter 5o f HUC. Well there is some original bits you just have to look for them.)**

* * *

**(Hecksing Manor)**

It was not a manor back then it was only an apartment. There was some random dude using security stuff on the web.

"That's my roommate, Walter. He came here just a few days ago asking for a place to live."

Walter waved at Alucard, then frowned.

"Nobody told me that there was going to be three of us. I was only informed that it would just be a coool duo."

"Nobody told you we would _stay_ a duo." Integra snarked. "Get used to it, because I have big dreams and I want to follow them through. I want this to become _big_. I can already image what our successors would be like, the people who would be around to carry our name after all three of us have perished..."

She looked up into the air, and got an imagination thing.

_**Expectation:**_

_It was 2015 and Y2K had wiped out most of the Earth, because remember this takes place in the past (and I think it's my first story that does that like the PAST past like WWII and for the majority of the story too!), however there was one gang there to save the human race... HECKSING!_

_Staring Nosfourtwo Badass, a very powerful vampire with excellent guns. Nosfourtwo shot a ton of monsters that were climbing up from a wasteland, blaring them all down. All the while, a hot woman in glasses and a suit known as Charity Underworld gave Nosfourtwo orders. She commanded, "ATTACK OVER THERE! NO WAIT, THAT WAS JUST A SOCK, OVER THERE!"_

_And then some ninjas jumped the pair from behind! It looked like they would die! Even Nosfourtwo! But then, Alter Ztornez jumped up himself, and used chakra blades to cut them down!_

_"WE ARE A TEAM!" They all shouted._

_**Reality, June 11 2012, MINOR SPOILERS MAYBE DON'T READ THIS IF YOU DIDN'T READ HUC YET OR AT LEAST USE PROTECTION IF YOU DO:**_

_Y2K did not happen. And neither did the Earth ending in 2012, putting an end to those annoying "This story is about the Earth ending so it's takes place on 2012!" jokes. Hecksing didn't really know that but they knew it wasn't going to happen anyway. What did happen, though, was Carl and Rip singing:_

_"I'm a total freaking rockstar from Mars," They both siad, then Rip allowed Carl a solo "WINNING!"_  
_"Come on Bro, I got Tiger's blood, WINNING!"_  
_"You borrow my brains and you're like, DUDE CAN'T HANDLE IT!"_

_Then the Captain ran across naked becides his hat shouting "AND LOOK AT WHAT A GOD FITER I AM!" And Seras chased after him with his clothes in her hand and with a worried look on her face._

_**December 19 2013:**_

_"Urgh." Carl said, leaning his head back in the van while he drove. "I got beaten by the kid yesterday. It was a few hours before midnight, and this is after, so it's technically yesterday. I'd rather get my butt whooped by that hot red one. And now that most of our soldiers have gone missing, we have to carry a lot of our crap in this van. How annoying!"_

_Rip, the driver, groaned. "So where do we go next? Personally, I want to avoid running back to London. It makes our trip to Delaware seem to have a little less... _spice_ and _meaning_ than it really did."_

_"Oh, but it did have meaning babe! It taught me not to play too damn loudly, and to be a lot more caring of my girlfriends when I party like the wild jackass that I am! Whether I'm out in the middle of Nowhere, London, or in a small town-that-calls-itself-a-city and pissin' everybody off!"_

_In the back seats, in her coffin, Seras laughed then tried to go back to sleep._

_**December 12 2014:**_

_"R-r-r-rejected! Nothin' but rejections! Everytime we go to another spot of the Earth and ask... argh!"_

_Carl slumped back at the bar and weeped._

_"If I, Seras, Rip, and the Captain die, then that's it! It's just a now-smaller number of soldiers left and there's nobody to ccary on the Hecksing name!"_

_Then he smiled._

_"Meh, then again, we're all immortal jackasses anyway. So we'll live for a while. Integra, and Alucard just got very, very unlucky, Rip's more powerful than both of them combined, aaaaand Walter was a traitor and thus against us and he got to taste our wraths. I feel a bit better now. Maybe."_

* * *

**(Reality in the Present Well More Like the Past)**

Three people in bright yellow police uniforms broke into the apartment!

"Freeze!" The leader said, "We are the Anticops! One of currently fifty-seven Hitler Revival Groups! This is our entirety, and we are like cops in our design except we break the law instead of protect it! That's why we busted into your house without a permit!"

"Oh, that's clever." Walter said, putting his hands up along with Integra.

"Now, we'll shoot!"

Then Alucard laughed, and grabbed a random gun Integra left lying around, and charged at them, crying "UNLEESH HECK!"

Using his speed jutsu, and it was a jutsu not all vampires are naturally fast since I don't want to write _Twilight_ vampires, Alucard managed to make it over before the leader could shoot, and then he stole the leader's gun and crossed his hands around and tilted both guns to the side, shooting both of the henchmen in the balls. (All three of them were guys. Oh and he crossed his hands just for show; he only used one hand on both guns since he still had the peg arm.) Then he gave a very scary grin at the leader, but did not add anything too fancy since he has not eaten anyone yet, until just now because Alucard dovve his face into him and took a big bite into the neck shoulder and it hurt and there was alot of blood. The henchmen watched in horror as after manually taking a few bites the blood started to kind of just levitate from the injury into Alucard. It took a while, but he just ate his first person. And his second, as after that he ate one of them henchmen, then turned to give a freaky look at the last one.

"WHO ARE YOU AND WHY DID YOU ATTACK US!"

"OK! OK! I'LL TELL!"

"Nah I'm just messing with you matey. I'm getting the memories right now."

Alucard turned to Integra. "It turns out that these Hitler Revival Groups are being sent after people who are suspected to be heroes. They send in weak guys, like these stupid 'anti cops,' and if they die, then they can send the stronger groups after them, but unless the heroes are actively trying to fight HRGS then they just give up at some point once a really strong group is killed. Oh and they also send HRGs after the ones that succeed at making a rebelling statement. Fortunately, they don't send in groups that often, usually just one group at a time handles them by sending one person at a time, so once we dispatch all of these guys, we should be safe."

"I WON'T DO ANYTHING!" The Anti Cop said, "I SWEAR! I'LL BE A GOOD GUY! SANTA THINKS SO!"

"I'm your Santa now bitch," Integra said.

Alucard finished "And YOU JUST GOT ON THE NAUGHTY LIST!"

Alucard ate the last one. He continued, "Get it? Santa? Because I like wearing red?"

"Good." Said Integra. "Now we can do more research."

"Hm? Oh, I don't think so. You see, I want to continue killing these usueless pieces of trash. Giive me more! More! Is there another HRG out there?"

"Well, one of our leads sends us to a group called the Katana Gang. It's a group of ten though, they surfaced way more than the other HRGs shortly after the time you said you came to this country, and have way more clues about them then the rest of them. Wait a minute, can you tell me what you picked off from these guys from the memories?"

"Sadly, no. All I know is they establish themselves through a very weird way by making the group first, then meeting up with the leader through hologram. HRGs rarely interact with eachother or their boss, as they call him, the Overseer, so I have no idea who he is outside of his hologram."

Integra shrugged. "Oh well. Let's kick this Katana Gang's asses!"

* * *

**(Their Hideout)**

Alucard walked in with a mustache on and carrying a pizza box. He rang the doorbell, and some guy came to answer it.

"Hello there, I have a pizza delivery." Said Alucard, "Extra sausage, like you siad."

"Ok."

Then he walked in, and looked around the gang. They were screwing around, two of them sword practicing eachother, one of them was balancing on a pole, and then there was a young Yumie playing video games. But since this took place in the past she had to play older games, like _Super Mario 64_.

"Hey Katana Gang." Alucard said, shocking everybody. "I know you're a katana gang and I have an identity as part of this group called Hecksing. I've set out to destroy all the Hitler Revival Groups and you're kind of next on my list. I also want to kill other random monsters, but the HRGs are kind of my basics here. In other words, the HRGs are my ABCs matey."

Walter jumped out of the pizza box! "AHA!"

"NO!" Said one of the women in the gang, "I thought you were the male stripper I called for!"

"Ew no..." Walter said, even though she was talking about Alucard. "Can you picture a bishonen naked? Ew. Oh, and get it? Extra sausage even though you made the order and not us?"

Then Alucard took a lot of guns out! He did not have the advanced powers enough to turn the gungs he collected from the Anti Cops into shadows and hide them inside himself, so he had to pull some out of his backback. But Integra's gun he pulled out of his pants because it was special to him. Then, using his individuals fingers to hold the guns thanks to his vampire strength, he shot around and killed most of the Katana Gang. Yumie was too short though, but by the time he aimed at her, she laughed and grabbed a pill.

"What's that?" Alucard asked, "Viagra? You'll need that because no normal human being can have the balls to fight me."

"IT'S AN AWESOME FLASH DRIVE PILL CALLED A FLASH DRIVER! IT _FLASH_ FREEZES ME FOR UP TO 10,000 YEARS UNTIL ONE OF THE BUT TEN HITLER REVIVAL GROUPS THAT HAS THE ANTIDOTE UNFREEZES ME, AND THEN I CAN JUST HOPE ON AND JOIN THEM!"

She ate it, just as Alucard shot, only to have a giant capsule of ice go over her. Alucard frowned. He touched the ice, then brought his hand back in pain.

"OW! It's frozen holy water!"

As Alucard ate the corpses, Integra came in bursting through the house in a helicopter.

"AHA! YOU'VE JUST GOT HOLDED UP BY HECKSIN-"

"You're too late Integra Alucard killed everybody." Walter said.

"ACTUALLY, YOU'RE NOT TOO LATE!"

Then iron bars appeared over the doors and windows! Not knowing where that voice came from, Hecksing thought about going out the hole that Integra broke through the wall, but instead the floor started to shake, and the entire house got sinkholed into a cave!

"To the panic room!" Alucard cried.

"How did you know there is a panic room?" Integra cried back.

"I got the memories of the people who live here!"

And they went through the house and Alucard grabbed the SM64 as the house crumbled and tumblred below them, falling down this really deep chasm and getting the shit kicked out of it. Yumie slipped out and fell into the depths of the cave below, while Alucard led Walter and Integra to a panic room. He knew the combination and opened it, and they had to fly in since they were falling at this point. Inside they were still tumbling around but at least it was in more of a closed space, and they had beer and playboys with them.

"Oh thank God." Integra said. "I could use a drink. WAIT NO DAMMIT! TOO BAD THE FALL'S SHAKEN IT UP!"

Walter grabbed thenearest playboy. "AT LEAST IF YOU SHAKE UP A PLAYBOY, IT WON'T FIZZ BEER!"

If this was Loony Tunes, then it would have. But Hecksing is more realistic than that.

After falling down the cave, Hecksing landed safely then noticed that they were floating on a river. The intercom in the room played, which was creepy since the room was disconnected from everything.

"BY THE WAY I USED AN INTERCOM TO TELL YOU THAT LAST MESSAGE." It was the same mystery voice from before! "YOU SEE, THIS IS A STICKUP1 WHEN HE CAME TO THIS COUNTRY,, YOUR WAIFU ALUCARD WAS CAUGHT THE ATTENTION OF ONE OF MY VAMPIRE DAUGHTERS! WE DECIDED TO BRIEFLY ASK ONE OF THE HRGS IF THEY COULD BE A DECOY, TO USE THEIR BASE FOR US TO SET UP A TRAP! WE ARE THE MAFIAMIGHTS, AND I AM THEIR LEADER, the don, AND THIS HRG IS WAY MORE COMPETANT THAN THAT STUPID ANTI COPS OR KATANA GANG!"

"Why did you just let the Katana Gang die like that?" Integra asked. "I mean, you could have had them evacuate until they get stronger, and still pull the exact same plan."

"It's to show how we are crazzy evil people. NOW TRY TO LEAVE THE PANIC ROOM!"

Alucard turned the door. It wouldn't budge!

"I am using the same vampire magic that enables me to talk to you through this PA system. Except I am more than a vampire! I am also a strong psychic!"

"OH NO!" Integra cried. Walter also looked worried.

"What's the matter matey?" Alucard said, before laughing. "Heh heh I'm actually ona ship in a way. Anyway, psychic just means he can move things around without touching them, right? Because vampires can do the same thing at higher levels."

"It's not that. Look. Psychics are like the Sharingan. It lets people make up powers as they go along."

"CORRECT!" The Don said, and then one of those TV things clicked on (vampire magic) to show him floating near the end of the river and above the water. He had a glowing orb floating in his hands. "This orb here is a pocket dimension I made a while ago! My entire HRG is in here! Now, those who touch it will be portally transported into the world itself, as it also acts as a portal especially when I resize it! Except it's not quite a portal more like a small world that shrinks you to its size when you go into it like the Mario session from _Sweet Jade and Hella John_. See you in hell!"

He did a square-thing with his hands and the orb expanded and the panic room went inside and was transported in. Then he laughed as he flew into the orb and the orb shrank back to its original size and stayed levitating above the cave's river. The camera shut off.

* * *

**(Pocket Dimension)**

The PA clicked on and the Don said "I unlocked your door now since if I didn't, Alucard would just probably do a vampire drill or something like that."

They did (not the drill the opening), and when they got out, they found themselves inside a prarie! With its own sky and everything! In the middle of it, not too far from the panic room, was a three-floor dojo. Alucard tried to walk away but he was stopped by some weird invisible wall made of blue stuff forming in front of him.

"Shoot. It's worse than I though." Integra said. "He's sensing when we're near the exit, and so he has the chakra of the exit parts harden to the point that none of us can pass it. Alucard, Walter, don't even bother trying to power your way through the chakra walls, this man is clearly overleveling all of us. Let's just go inside the dojo and see what he wants."

As they walked there, Alucard said, "Hey I used to don't live as close to Asia as you do, so if I'm acting racist, tell me, ok?"

Once they got in, it looked empty! Then the Don appeared through a ball of shadows!

"Welcome to my three-stage challenge of death. I am doing this cuz I'm a mob member, and we mobs have a very elaborate, cool ways of killing people."

"BUT IT IS BORDERLINE RACIST." Alucard yelled. "Taking a dojo and turning it into something EVIL. Do you think RACIST is cool?"

"Why do you think we call ourselves a **Hitler** Revival Group, dipshit?"

"Aw shoot I thought that plan would work."

"And this isn't really racist. Let me tell you what trials are up ahead. First floor, my men. Kill them. Next floor, my 100 beautiful vampire daughters. Get past them. But don't kill them or I will morph this pocket dimension into something that will instantly kill you. Third floor, me. Kill me, and my chakra will not be supporting this pocket dimension anymore, it will break down and dissipate, and you can escape.

He vanished. And then a big number of Mafiamight members came in! Integra ran around the room, shooting them, while Walter chakra stringged a ton of them! Alucard was happily shooting around and eating them himself, but then he realized something. Half of them tasted funny.

"HALF OF THESE TASTE WEIRD!" Alucard shouted. Walter looked around.

"ALUCARD! Cover me! I'll try to decipher this! I'm really good at using chakra!"

After doing several handsigns, Walter cried, "SEE WITHOUT EYES NO JUTSU!"

And then everything went black around him, except for Walter himself. And he was at first on a cool looking gray spotlight, before the jutsu really started kicking in. Once it did, we saw the mob members, except half of them turned into blue chakra-lookingb shapes. And so did the entire dojo later.

"Pocket dimensions are normally just made of a lot of chakra." Walter said as the view went back to normal. "I have deduced what is and it's real. You see, this dojo and the field its in is just highly elaborate chakra made into a dojo and a grass and a sky, and half of these guys are really just kind of like transformed shadow clones. If you eat them, they'll just turn to chakra and leave your body right through it. That's why they taste funny. Things made of chakra only made to look different but not changed to say water, taste weird."

"HOW DO I TELL THE DIFFERENT?"

"Wait until we kill them." Integra said with a smile as she shot another one. " The clones just turn into a cloud that puffs away. But the real ones stay and start bleeding everywhere."

Speaking of bleeding everywhere, that's what the mob was doing! So one of them shouted, "THIS BATTLE IS BEING WON BY THEM! WE'RE CANON FODDER! WE MUST NOT BE THAT! SO SPECIAL TECHNICQUE: _FLASH_ MOB!"

And then they stopped trying to fight Hecksing and instead had a pillow fight. Hecksing was confused and went, "Wut."

They took advantage of this to throew a bomb of gas! The mob was immune to it from training, but Walter and Integra were knocked out!

"Hey, as a vampire I am also very resillient to this." Alucard said.

Then one of them threw a water balloon at him. Alucard look angrily back at them, before he started steaming and burning.

"AAAAAH! THIS ISN'T ORDINARY WATER! IT'S HOLY WATER! AND NOW THAT I AM MORE SENSITIVE TO THE GAS, I WILL-" And he was knocked out.

* * *

They awoke on the same floor, their arms and legs tied behind their backs. Alucard's ropes were cyan and glowing, unlike Integra and Walter's. The Don was there, and he was pacing back and forth between them.

"Tsk tsk tsk." He said. "Pathetic. Just pathetic. I expected a lot more out of you. That's why I didn't kill you right away."

Alucard laughed. "Really? Do you think you can kill _me_? You're just a young grasshopper. I'm, like... a lion. Not a tiger though, those things are annoying."

"Yes. I think I ccan kill you." The Don said, then shot two feet away from Alucard's head. "But I won't. Yet. I still have the test of my bisexual 100 vampire daughters who are more than happy to share the same target. Now, are you into women?"

"Yes." Said Alucard.

"Yes." Said Walter.

Integra said, "Uh out of curiosity, if I say no, will you kill me?"

"I can tell that you're not into lladies. Dissapointing. Watching three people deal with them would have been a lot more fun. And yes, we'll have to kill you."

"In that case, yes."

"Hm. You seem to be lieing. So here's what we'll do. Again, I like painfully elaborate adn stupid deaths can we can use slang pun terms for. We'll tie you to the back seat of a car, take that car to the roof of the dojo, and put a brick on the gas petal. It has to be a brick, because that's the cool mob way. We'll also have a ramp there. You go off the ramp, BOOM."

As the guards lifted Integra up, placed her in the brand new 2015 Hummer, and used a forklift to take it up to the roof, Walter protested.

"Hey I'm 19 by this point in time does that make me and them legal? Hell, Integra was 12 and you almost thought of asking her to ask them out."

"I do not want to question why a 12 year old would let a 19 year old into her appartment, or inddeed have an apartment on her own. You guys are screw up. But yes, that's A-OK in our books. Hell Alucard's 34 physically, so yes these are adults. And now that you mention it, Integra did look a little too young to date my daughters. So we would have killed her anyway if you brought that up. Good call."

Then thee Don did some hand sighs, and the ropes around Alucard and Walter were broken.

"HEY. YOU PROBABLY WOULD HAVE KILLED WLATER AND I IF WE WERE GAY. DOES THAT MAKE IT HOMOPHOBIA? DO YOU WANT TO BE KNOWN LIKE THAT?" Alucard shouted.

"First off, we also kill straight women, so it's ok. Second, again, **Hitler** Revival Group. Hitler also liked to kill gays. Read your history books, dipshit. Hell, you're American, so your history book of all things should cover that more, since your country is more obsessed with voilence."

"THAT'S RACIST! And it makes no sense coming from an Italian-"

"I'm Canadian, dipshit. Maybe I should capitalize the 'D' and call you that for a name, Dipshit? Oh yeah, and WHO THE RACIST NOW?"

"-Canadian that's trying to use a elaborate way to kill my boss! And maybe master!"

He ignored Alucard's bitching and led the two men to the elevator, not a forklift this time because he thought that would not be a fancy way to begin a date. The doors opened and 100 women were there dressed in military uniforms. Alucard looked around and saw one of them.

"HEY! I recognize you when I accidentally knocked your top off at the beach1"

"Yeah well it turns out I'm evil."

"D:" For those reading this on ffn (I noticed this problem back in Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals), there is supposed to be a "less than" sign after that. He's making a mad face not a sad face.

Walter said, "Hello there, I am trying to see if I can score a date with one of you."

"Oh," one of the 100 said, "Is this supposed to be a blind date, Daddy? I told you, none of us like that crap."

There was a buzzing sound, and Alucard and Walter looked up to see a giant 10x10 scoreboard, with each panel giving a red X.

"BTW" said the Don, "These gals will be scoring you like this. If there's a check, good, you move to the next round with those girls while the rest of them think you're a piece of shit that's not deserving of them. If they score X, then you'll be fucked. Not in the sexual way, in the mob-slang-term-for-kill way. Observe with Walter here."

"But-but-but..." Alucard started to panic, as the Don forced Walter to move to the center of the room. "This is an impossible task! They'll shoot us down faster than pre-colonoscopy stuff shoots through you so that you'll be clean for a test! Because they hate the idea of the blind dates, and they're judging us based on the blind dates! And not giving us a chance!"

"True." Then the Don shrugged. "Meh, I don't like you anyway. Now, daughters, shoot him."

* * *

**(Roof)**

Having living with Walter for a bit Integra knew how to do some of his moves, and then reached her hands arouond the ropes and did a few handsigns.

"SEE WITHOUT EYES NO JUTSU!" She cried as one of the Mafiamights put the brick on the gas. Then she saw... NO CHAKRA ON THE CAR!

"So thiss is a real car and not a chakra illusion!" She cheered. "Good, because then it will really work like a real car, and I wouldn't gamble to see if the Don took the time to make this legit or not!"

Then she flipped a secret knive out and cut the ropes and then got a gun out of her pocket, and shot the engine so that it would explode and stop the car. Then she kicked the door open, and watched as the Mafiamights tried to stop her, then just shot a ton of them.

"I WILL BREAK OUT OF HERE, DAMMIT!" Then she looked back in the car and got an idea...

She jumped in and drove it (pouring water that the Maftiamights brough with them so that the fire on it would be extinguished and it would work a little longer), except instead of going off the ramp she drove straight off the roof so that it wouldn't flip and dive headfirst to the grass. Instead it landed on its tires. After this Integra drove back to the bomb shelter, and got out a six-pack of beer and smirked.

* * *

**(The Dating Sim Room)**

So that this will make sense we flash back to when the daughters all open fire on Walter. He coulod not run since they surrounded him from a ton of directions, however he did not need to as Alucard quickly jumped and tackled him to the ground and covered over him, using his body and vampire powers to sheild the bullets. Sad meaningful _Naruto_ music began playing in the background as he said this.

"NO! I will not let you die! For you are a Hecksing, and as a Hecksing member, you will be forever in my debut to serve, and I will assist you! This organization taught me how to fight badguys! Before I was just some homeless idiot wandering around a country that I could easily go away from had I afford a boat or plane ticket!"

He began to get up, but it was in a slow fashion since the bullets were made of copper and vampires are weak to that. He had a serious look on his face.

"I am a servant. And Integra is my master. And you are her friend. So you are my friend. And I must use my power to, above all, protect my friends, especially because back in the United States, I didn't have any. It's a grim real world out there. Full of torture, genocide, and smoking in public parks. AND THE SMOKING IS DONE AROUND KIDS! _**KIDS!**_ But to go through that and fight still, THAT is what it means to be a true friend! And vampire servant! And... I forgot what thiss is about, but heed these words, young grasshoppers!"

The daughters all cried, while the Don said "Heh heh it looked like you were having butt sex."

"IS THAT AN EMPHASIS FOR KILL?" Alucard asked.

"No Dipshit, it means it looked like you were humping."

The scoreboaard flashed all green checks, except the last one which was an X.

"WOW!" The Don shouted. "Incredible! Maybe I should take you out of here, and back at my place, where you could try to woo all of my daughters except for the last one."

One of the daughters, 019 (let's simple it and say The One From the Beach), said, "HIS SPEACH IS SO TOUCHING!"

078 shrugged. "I just like the fact that he may become my personal slave. Cool."

100 glared. "Meh."

066 leaned foreward. "Hey, can we have a favor?"

"What." The Don said, still amazed.

"Seeing how cool Alucard was, maybe we should give Wlater another chance?"

"Um yes. IF HE CAN KILL ME FIRST! I will take him to the third trial! And Dipshit, you too, to watch! But only watch! NO DEFENSIVE BUTT SEX THIS TIME!"

* * *

**(Floor Threee)**

Walter shivered a little, staring at this imposing, big, man dressed in a fancy suit that tried to hide his madness, but he was clearly crazy. Walter was a lot better at hiding the crazies he had from working for the Millennium. This was it! The final showdown for this task!

"BEGIN!" The Don cried.

He got out a pistol and shot it a few times in Walter's direction, but Walter was busy dodging that with his ninja skills, and at time slicing up the bullets with his chakra strings. He did, though, get some of those strings around Don's neck, but THE DON JUST BROKE THEM BY CRACKING HIS NECK!

"YOUR CHAKRA MOVES ARE NOOBS!" He cried, then shot, however he couldn't kill him, because the elevator dinged unexpectadly, and that broke his concentration so he accidentally fired in a different direction.

"Third floor: YOUR DEATH!"

That's what Integra cried, as the elevator doors opened and she was DRIVING THE CAR SHE WAS USED TO BE TRAPPED IN! She drove really fast, and it ra,mmed into the Don! However, since he was a vampire and this isn't an anti-vampire car, all it did was send him back a little.

"IT'S OVER!" She cried, then tossed Walter two beers and texted him. Walter read the text while Don was getting up, and she also texted Alucard.

"Hey Don," Said Walter, "Maybe I should just show how good of a person I am to your daughters right now, by forgiving everything you just did to all of us and inviting you for a beer with me."

Walter tosssed him a beer, and then Don shrugged and went, "Ok."

Then, because it was shaken earlier in the story, the beer shot out at him like a volcano, and left him stunned for a moment!

"NOW ALUCARD! FINISH HIM OFF!" Integra cried. Alucard shrugged.

"BUT I AM RIGHT HANDED AND MY RIGHT HAND IS GONE, MY LEFT HAND STILL HAS TERRIBLE AIM EVEN IF I SPENT MORE THAN HALF OF MY LIFE USING IT! BECAUSE I STILL HAVEN'T REALLY USED IT TO SHOOT SO MUCH, JUST TO WRITE! I CAN SIGN MY SIGNATURES BUT NOT KILL BAD GUYS FROM THAT LONG OF A RANGE! OH AND I LEARNED THE HARD WAY THAT WHILE A PEG CAN WORK FOR A LEG, SINCE ALL YOU REALLY NEED TO DO IS BALANCE, THEY MAKE TERRIBLE ARMS SINCE YOU HAVE TO HOLD THINGS!"

"Then use your vampire powers with your right hand!"

"Hm... there is one thing I am aim..."

He aimed his peg arm and then, channeling the powers of the people he ate. Then, his arm stump turned into that shadow stuff Seras had in canon! Which launched the plank off, right through his chest!

"Heh heh" punned Alucard, "Stake through the heart. Like vampires death."

The Don fell to the ground, but then the whole room's walls floors ceiling and furnature started shifting blue for a second! And they shifted again!

001 shouted, "Without the Don alive to use his chakra on this pocket dimension, it's chakra is unstable! It will dissapear and turn to smoke!"

And, both to be true to the jutsus and to make it llook like a big explosion might happen, some bits of steam came up!

"Does this mean the invisible walls outside are down?" Alucard asked.

"Yes."

Outside, the sphere this was kept it dropped like Skrillex drops! Into the river of the cave, and the water got into it! Inside, the water crashed into the area all around, which may have shrunk because pocket dimension, but it was still flooding the plains and getting into the dojo!

"We have to get out of here!" Walter cried, "The meadow may go away soon, but I know chakra! This building's chakra will still stay for 12 hours before it's destroyed completely, and the orb that's shrinking us drown 11 hours, but it will take sooner than that for us to drown in it!"

Integra said "I'll drive," but the water broke through a giant hole in the side of the room! That soon proceeded to smack the car over to the wall, and Integra jumped out just in time! Then she said, "WAIT UNTIL THIS ROOM FILLS UP (so that the pressure is neutral and the water won't be pushing us) AND THEN SWIM OUT THAT HOLE!"

Walter turned to Alucard and said, "Hey Alucard,"

"What mate?"

"Do you even have anything to be afraid about? You're a vampire."

"Arr, I do not. And neither do these lovely ladies. Vampires-"

Upon coming into contact with the Don's corpse, the water started glowing bright!

"NO!" Alucard cried, "HE MUST HAVE HAD HOLY WATER PACKED WITH HIM IN HIS POCKETS OR SOMETHING! Now the water can both drown us AND it kind of stings! Did he plan this on purpose or does Jesus hate me?"

Walter jumped into the water, and thanks to being a badass (and his ninjutsu powers), he could swim against the current and on his way outside of the bubble. Integra just got out a little raft, went inside the falling water, and inflated it, its inflation pushing her out and later the raft flew up to the surface with her in it. On her way up, she waved to Walter.

Watching the water flood the rest of the room around him, like that scene at the beginning of Inception, Alucard sneered at it, and looked over at the daughters, trying to break their way out. He got a text from Integra saying "ALUCARD ARE YOU ABLE TO FIND A WAY OUT?"

He texted back, "YES BUT I WILL NOT LET THESE WOMEN GET KILLED BY THEIR OWN FATHER'S TRAP! IT'S NOT RIGHT TO DIE FROM A FAMILY RELATED THING BY ACCIDENT! WELL IGNORE MY BRO SINCE ME KILLING HIM WILL BE ON PURPOSE BUT YOU GET THE IDEA HE'S A JERK!"

He walked around the seats (yes all three floors had these observation things like Baseball and football) and looked at them all.

"Do you want to become my harem of familiars or something like that?"

"Don't get cocky." Said 001. "We like your atittude, but we don't want to be eaten by you."

"Hrm, then I'll just use my vampire powers to make a shield thingy."

His body turned into a giant sphere of shadow, and all of the daughters gathered around, and he tucked them in and shielded them, as he jumped into the holy water, started smoking and burning a little, and floated through the current to lead them out!

11 hours later the dojo was in ruins yet it fell from the cave river into a giant lake and then someone saw a part of it coming out of the water and so that's how the Lock Ness Monster myth was born.

* * *

Back outside in the cave (and again this is flashback no 11 hours), Walter got on Integra's raft, and she paddled them both to a line of rock on the side of the river. Alucard reached the surface too, and turned himself into a giant bigger raft that floated the 100 daughters to the same side of land.

"Now that that's done," Said Alucard, "Do you want to join Hecksing?"

100 cocked a gun at him.

"No."

"B-but- the other girls liked me! Other daughters, you can't just sit there and let me die!"

085 shrugged. "We liked you. But we don't really care if you die. We're all hot, so we can find another person anywya. Becides, just because you saved us doesn't mean that we have to join Hecksing."

So then the other 99 cocked out guns.

"_Shit_." Alucard sweared. And I think this is serious because I don't remember him swearing back in HUC. Walter, on the other hand, looked up at the ceiling with a plan, and because he had a plan he rubbed his chin.

"IF SPIDER MAN TAUGHT ME ANYTHING IT'S THAT I CAN DO THIS!"

He then shot out a chakra sttring like one of Spiderman's webs, and wrapped it around a stalagmight on the ceiling, then pulled down, and that caused a chain reaction that resulting in a big ass rock breaking from the ceiling and falling on the daughters.

"RUN AWAY!" Walter cried, and he, Alucard, and Integra hopped on the rock and started running down the cave. But before they can hop over the fallen rock and make it to a fork in the roads where they can hope to lose them, THE ROCK WAS SHOT BACK UP WITH HECKSING ON IT! It went near the ceileing until Alucard did a double kick and broke it, then Hecksing landed with ninja powers.

"NOW YOU'LL PAY!" 006 cried, "I DON'T EVEN LIKE SPIDERMAN! OR EVEN MARVEL IN GENERAL! YOU WILL ALL-"

She and the others were all caught in a moment of confusion. This was because an azure grenade landed in the middle of them all. Then it exploded in a holy explosion, blowing them all to a bloody mess of blood and chunks. Rip jumped into the middle of this mess and absorbed all of the daughter's remains.

"Now, now, you already defeated the Don. With cleverness and strategy. You don't need to exhaust yourself to kill his 100 daughters. You have proved that you can handle the vampire way.

"Who are you?" Integra asked.

"My name is Rip Van Winkle. Earlier today, I made Alucard into a vampire. You're welcome. I'm just a woman who has been on a century-long search for her place and purpose in this world. A rouge vampire. A neutral figure, who enjoys blowing up people 'good' or 'evil' judged by how boring I find them."

"Riiiiight... you sound very evil to me."

"I am exceptionally powerful. So I have seen this fight by hacking into the Hitler Revival Group's Overseer's database, looking up what fights have occured lately, got into the Mafiamight's battle, and sent a little ghostly image of myself to spy on you. Well done, but this is only the beginning. The dawn. And that is an accurate title. Because as the dawn is when the sun comes up, and the sun _normally_ causes mortal pain to the vampiric kind. So your journey will begin with such scorching heat and light. But like they say, the first step is the hardest. As you eat more people and get more souls and blood, you will gain much more customization to your abilities.

"Speaking of that, I have absorbed 100 attractive women back there. So, using the mean of their forms, I can..."

She tossed away the umbrella, then closed her eyes, then after some energy things, her boobs grew a lot and so did her butt.

"Find a body type that encompasses all of their averages. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to find a more fitting outfit for this far more fitting, filling form. This suit says Slenderman more than Ms. Fanservice, so it was appropriate back then. But not now. Alucard, I am done peeping on you and your organization. In fact, this could very well be the last time we will ever cross paths."

She ninja jumped away, but first she said, "PS: Slenderman is a member of an HRG. You should check that out sometime!"

Alucard, who BTW still had not regenerated his arm completely or his eye despite all the shape shifting, looked at the Integra. "I'm not sure what just happened. Am I supposed to kill her?"

Integra lowered her head and put a hand on it, but it's not exactly a facepalm. "I have no idea. I just want to get back to the Hecksing Apartment Room and get some rest." She lit a cigar. "It's been one hell of a day."

* * *

Back in the aprtment, Integra showed Alucard to the closet.

"I want to show you something?"

"IS IT A SKELETON MATEY?" Alucard joked. It's both a reference to the phrase "skeletons in the closet" and the creepypasta "AND THEN A SKELETON POPPED OUT."

But in the closet was a pair of those freezer thingies from _Futureama_.

"This is our cryo station. You see Alucard, I was looking for someone to do a lot of the work for me. Walter and I have taken turns being frozen here so that we can cover a much greater range of time periods and maybe do some other time related things, and now that we have an unaging vampire on our crew, we can do that a lot more. This also explains why I'm 12 here and only 22 in 2011; I have been freezing myself several times in between."

Walter got into one chamber, set it to two years, and got in.

"He's not going to be frozen for that long, because he's set to be your partner for the missions you'll get in two years. Or rather, make. Happy Birthday, Alucard, you will be in charge of making the missions from here on out, and what HRGs we'll kill, until I'll unfreeze in ten years. SO DON'T FUCK IT UP."

"Ok."

"But first, let's make Hecksing Government-official. So that we can get paid for this, and eventually get better houses."

"Sounds sweet."

* * *

**Closing AN:**

So what I'm going for here is like a cross between HUC and HHC, much shorter (only 6 chapters split into two "seasons" of three each), and only trying to combine the aspects of them I liked while ridding the ones I hated. It has HHC's world building and far greater variety in enemies encountered (I said this in HUC's final AN, but I didn't like how that particular story boiled down to "The Millennium's up to something! Counter their attack, and take out 1-3 of their members!" With an "HRG of the Week" formula that has different goals and new gimmicks (though I wouldn't exactly say that the Millennium as a whole can be neatly placed in one gimmick), it should make for just a little more variety), but not its rather tedious romance n-drangles. As a bonus, there isn't going to be that many incest jokes either, if any at all. On HUC's side... it's basically what I just said about the elements it takes from HHC. Far more "action"-oriented and it lacks the idea of being so single-target focused. Oh, and it doesn't have Carl. I hate that guy in hindsight. **(Spoilers for those who decide to read this chronologically)** I hate that I kept him alive. **(End spoilers?)** It has nothing to do with how he's based on a meme and that's probably already a dead meme at that; it's more of how I played a Gary Stu painfully straight instead of giving them the whole "They become/are villains and die in a way that's painful enough to give catharsis for all the crap they've done to the story" that I have already started on a little. **(More chronologic-spoilers)** And most of all, I think I made the wrong move when I killed Alucard off in chapter four instead of him. **(End spoilers)**

On a lighter note, do expect a little more expansions to HUC's world like this, although more of them are probably going to be legit fics and not SBIG installments. It's just that... like I said, I didn't like how HUC felt like there should be some greater world, especially in chapters 9 onward, but isn't, so I wrote HHC to expand on that. Except, while it did flesh it out a little, it also in turn rose a lot of elements and concepts that I wouldn't actually mind exploring a little further. Especially when it comes to the crossover matchups, and their role in the story.

This is probably going to be the longest chapter, with maybe the the final one being the only thing that might serve as competition. Honestly, this is kind of like shoving two chapters into one, what with both Alucard joining Hecksing and the whole "defeat the Don" thing.

And yes, Rip is going to have a bit of power. And be over 600 years old. I like making canon fodder OP.


	2. The Dumb

**Hecksing: The Dawn**

**Chapter 2: The Dumb**

**Beginning AN:**

Well, like I promised, the chapters will get a little shorter since they aren't quite "two stories in one" anymore. Although this is still somehow longer than HUC's longest chapter, and even then said chapter had a recap thickening it out.

Sorry for no focus on WWII itself. You'll see what I mean in the very first line of the story proper (hence why I'm saying this now and not in the closing notes), but maybe that's something for yet another spinoff? Again, I _might_ grow this world by quite a bit, thanks to all the potential storylines HHC rose.

**Disclaimer:** The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by an expert group of supernatural fighters and one badass redneck. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!

* * *

We suddenly cut to a city in Egypt in 1945, where people are hanging out like normal, like you see in all of those monster movies. But just like a monster movie, there was suddenly a shadow. It was LITERALLY a shadow, SHADOW THE HEDGEHOG!

"I am here to save the day from badguys."

But then he was stabbed through the chest by a giant tentacle! The camera moved around and the townspeople paniced, and IT WAS A GIANT BRAIN THING RISING UP FROM THE HORIZON!

"NO YOU WILL NPT DESTROY THE ULTIMATE LIFEFORM!" Shadow cried, then the giant brain shot a lazer at him. And his head worked like a prism, refracting it down all over the place in Egypt! also shadow is now dead from the stabbing.

"AH! HA! HA!" The giant brain cried.

**CHAPTER II**

* * *

**(Hecksing Apartments)**

The year was 1945, and Alucard really helped a lot to end World War Two by fighting the Nazis and the Axis powers like X Axis and Y axis. Because HE USED MATH. And studied. During these last five years of WWII (Alucard tried to fight in the war and kill off some of the HRGs by himself but after only one year he pussied out of it and needed to unfreeze Walter) he unfroze Walter. And for the last two, he unfroze Integra. So Integra the computer one was able to notice this, which normally Alucard wouldn't really care for.

"HEY!" Integra cried, "There's something fishy going on in Egypt!"

"I KNEW IT!" Alucard cried, "Those prymids are actually illuminati!"

"Not that stupid. I mean, the IQs of everybody was dropping a lot today after some beam was shot that refracted off of a talking hedgehog. I suspect that this is from supernatural causes, because you don't forget everything overnight! Alucard! I want you to go over there, and maybe take Walter with you, fly over to Egypt and see what's happening!"

"How to fly when we don't have plane?"

"Walter, get on Alucard's shoulders."

"Well how will that help?"

* * *

**(Air)**

Alucard was flapping his one arm and shadow mass like a jackass.

"heheh," Said Walter, "You look like a jackass."

Alucard groaned, then looked down and said, "Oh thank gosh, we're finally here."

He landed feet-first, and found some citizens.

"There was a giant brainwave that made us all dumb." One of them said. He was nude, since America, Canada, and London are the only countries with mandatory clothes.

"How dumb? Can I talk to you."

"I AM ABOUT AS SMART AS A AVERAGE SIMPSONS CHARACTER NOW!"

"OH FUCK!" Walter cried. "Alucard this is very servere!"

"A big brain thing flew over and fired a beam at us that took away our smarts and stuff. By the way, who are you?"

"Um..." Walter said since Integra wanted to keep vampires a secret. "Cops."

"Why is that guy making shadows from his hand? Is he a vampire?"

"Um... that's police juice. You see, he lost that arm and eye after his cell phone exploded, so our boss injected him with special police steroids. Those are nanobots."

"Waht is a nanobot? I knew originally, but then the brains took away my smarts. I USED TO BE AN ENGINEER BUT NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT ENGINERR IS!"

Walter looked at Alucard and frowned. "This looks like we need to bring in the big guns. Let's call over Integra."

* * *

**(New Hecksing House)**

Integra was at her new house bought from the money the government gave Hecksing for taking out bad guys, she had just finished moving everything including the cyro chamber there, and flexed her arms out in her new house in the locations that will soon become Hecksing Manor. She got a phone call, and it was Walter telling her to join them.

"Alright but it will take a while. DON'T DO ANYTHING FUCKING STUPID."

"Hey," Walter joked on the other line, "If we do, you can blame the brain, NOT US! HAHAHA!"

Integra growled and then looked over at a cab and said, "TAXI! TAKE ME TO EGYPT!"

She got into the taxi and it drove off.

* * *

**(Egypt)**

Alucard and Walter made it to the edge of the beach, where they saw a giant brain thing raise from the sea, and Alucard and Walter stared it down.

"I SAW THIS IN FUTURAMA! EXCEPT IN FUTURAMA, YOU COULDN'T USE VAMPIRE POWERS TO SHIELD YOUR DELTA BRAIN WAVES!" Alucard said with seriousness.

"THIS IS NOT LIKE FUTURAMA! WE ARE NOT ALIEN THINGIES, WE ARE INSTEAD ANOTHER HITLER REVIVAL GROUP! WE ARE CALLED THE FLUNK-OUTS, AND THIS IS REALLY JUST A BIG MECHA BRAIN THING WE MADE!" A voice came from the brain.

They looked around into the Mediditeranaian- oh fuck it, let's say they were by the side with the Red Sea instead. Becides, it's colors and I like that more.

"SO COME AT US!" The same voice shouted. This got Alucard enraged!

"UNLEESH HECK!" He shouted, and he did a vampire jump towards the mech!

Then he hit it because it was not actually like brain tissue it was more like metal. He banged it like Looney Tunes (not like Quagmire you perverts) and his arms and legs were splatted out and he slid down. Walter got infuriated! So he jumped on the Red Sea's waters, and did handsigns, and said "WATER DRAGON JUTSU!" And then the water turned into a dragon shape and started flying around towards Alucard's direction. Before he could fall into the water and drown (the mech by the way had a vase thingy of holy water I guess), Alucard was saved by Walter's dragon thing 'eating' him up and then flying over to the one of three legs (three instead of two to try to keep balance in case one is gone) of the mech, and bit that leg, and then the mech lost balance and fell and it could not run around anymore and steal IQ points from more countries. (Hey I said **try** to keep balance.)

* * *

**(Inside the Brain Thing)**

There was a guy behind the mic, and he sort of stumbled around when the mech crashed. He looked around in the screens; the Brain Mecha had a lot of cameras broadcasting the shit out to the monitors so that they can see. But he saw that Walter's water dragon thing was entering through the main door! And even though it was solid steel, he was blasting through it so hard, that the metal was worn away! Oh, and by the way, Walter's water dragon kept going, since instead of breaking off at one point he's still feeding the sea into the dragon's snake-tail. He got back onto the speakers. "Weeeell... now that you're gonna get in here anyway, I might as well reveal myself as an individual. And heh, I'm probably the last person in this country to know how to say 'individual' since I brain-drained everyone else, and you're too stupid. Anyway, I am Red Neckbreaker. Of the Flunk-outs."

He looked just like your stereotypical redneck guy, but with literally red hair and red eyes linking to an evil soul.

"The rest of my allies are kind of high school stereotypes. There's Blondula the dumb blonde, Quarterback the dumb jock, and Nuke the dumb nerd who think's he's smart but he's an arrogant asshole."

"HEY!" Shouted Nuke, "I AM SMART! I read the Wikipedia page on Nuclear Physical!"

"Yeah, and I don't really belong here either." Rip said, casually standing in the back of the metal room this took place in while being tied up from knees to neck. "Why did you attempt to kidnap me? I mean, I know I decided to willingly go with those ninja... things you sent at me, but the fun's over."

"BECAUSE OUR RECORDS SHOW THAT YOU FINISHED OFF THE MAFIAMIGHTS AND ARE THUS THE BIGGEST THREAT TO ALL HRGS!" Red Neckbreaker cried. "So we decided to capture you to see if we can destroy you."

Rip rolled her eyes. "Oh please, if anything, I'm holding you hostage and Alucard and Walter are your little rescue crew. Watch this."

She turned into mist, getting out of the ropes and reforming. Then she started undressing her new outfit - a modest sundress - but none of the four members of Brainsuckers cared. Until she was done, because she flung her panties to Red Neckbreaker and he turned over there, angry.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THIS ISN'T GERMANY!"

"Oh I'm just getting comfortable!" She then retrieved a paintbrush from her vampire powers, and twirled it around. "It's very muggy in here. Are you sure you have a proper ventilation system? Water heater? Air contitioner? I'm no expert myself, but you do know that something could explode if it's done wrong."

"PUT CLOTHES ON!"

"Or else what?"

"OR ELSE **I'LL** GET NAKED! AND DO YOGA! I CAN'T DO ANYTHING TO MAKE YOU WATCH BUT THE IDEA OF MY REDNECK PENIS BEING IN THE SAME ROOM AS YOU SHOULD DRIVE YOU OFF NUDITY FOREVER!"

"Who says I have to stay in this room?" She giggled, then walked through one of the walls. "Later idiots, I'm going to look for a vending machine. You packed a lot of these in here."

Then Red Neckbreaker growled, ripped off his clothes, and started running out the door. "I'LL GET YOU BACK, ANNOYING RIP!"

Meanwhile, Blondula did that finger waving thing Sonic does.

"Doensn't he know that if you piss off a vampire, he'll just go to hell?" This is funny because it's not true and we can see that since people piss off Alucard all the time.

* * *

**(Another Part in the Brain Mecha)**

"DANG IT!" Alucard shouted as the dollar slid back out, "This vending machine isn't going to take my dollar!"

"MAYBE THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S PART UNDER WATER AND THUS THE WATER IS FLOODING IT OUT!"

Walter cried that, becuase he used the water dragon jutsu to start flooding the base! And the act that it tipped over and was very slowly sinking helped. This mostly had no real strategy behind it, it was just to look cool and to piss off the Brainsuckers. Or... no, wait, I called them the Flunk-outs first. Yeah, that's their real name.

As they ran through, they took down several ninjas and other badguys, and Alucard was eating most of these. Alucard in particular laughed.

"KILLING ALL OF THESE BADGUYS WILL SURELY HEAL ME UP AND MAKE ME HAVE MORE SOULS TO EAT!"

Then they ran into a naked Red Neckbreaker!

"...Are you the one named Blondula?" Alucard asked.

"NO I AM THE RED NECKBREAKER! Have you seen a nude woman with long blue hair and glasses near?"

"I was right on top of you this entire time!" Rip shouted.

Then she melted from the ceiling, and dropped becides Alucard, Walter, and Red Neckbreaker. She waved at them.

"So Alucard, while I could shift my shape at any time, it's not until after absorbing the souls of the one hundred daughters that I thought about pulling it off. Because after eating them, I have full knowledge of their body types - well, more like former body types, since they are just streams of blood right now. With this, I can find the average of them and _maybe_ can an idea of what body type to pick the best. That's why I wanted a new body type. Having the same form for almost 600 years - I say that because I have aged pre-vampirism - gets a little dull."

"GET RID OF THE FRECKLES!" Red Neckbreaker shouted. Rip looked pissed off.

"The freckles stay. _Got it?_"

"Well then again how am I to say that this is disgusting. Maybe if I get around naked like this I can disgust people into not liking naked people."

Then Alucard punched him in the face.

"NO! I don't like naked people either, but nudism does not work that way! It is about that there is nothing wrong with the human body! Do some research!"

"You do some reasearch too, dumbass! We're supposed to be idiots!"

Then he ran around the corner, which is where he was keeping his secret weapons! A molotiv cocktail was one, and another was A LION! So he threw the cocktail and that lit it on fire, but Walter laughed at him.

"Ha ha dumbass this place is getting flooded, partially thanks to my fault. You'll just get that fire of yours extinguished."

"NOT IF I DO THIS!"

And then he got out another weapon! It was redneck oil! He poured it into the water, and suddenly the water started coating itself with oil on the top, and the nit was on fire was on the water!

"No!" Shouted Walter.

"WALTER DO THAT THING WITH THE WATER DRAGONS AGAIN!" Alucard suggested.

Walter tried that but it was like a grease fire it just spread around the burning oil and made it worse. Also oil was not Walter's chakra element so it wasn't that much of a change thing.

Oh, right I forgot about Red Neckbreaker's lion. That was after um... Alucard I guess. It was only after the suggestion Alucard shouted that the lion jumped at him, because it smelled his motion. The lion was eating him up like a sandwitch, and even though Alucard is a vampire LIONS ARE NOT TO FUCK WITH. That is the lesson of this chapter so for any teens who want to try to prank lions don't. Then Alucard was getting desperate, and he lifted his eye patch, and it USED TO BE just some black shadow because he was healing from the injury, but a few seconds after taking off the patch it healed all the way thanks to the souls he's been eating both on and offscreen and now he can see in 3D.

"Wow!" He cried, "Now the whole world looks like _Avatar_!"

Red Neckbreaker gave him an evil look, then got out a gun looking thing just as Alucard ate the lion like a badass using his new sense of perception to figure out where to punch in order to hit him in the balls (another lesson of the chapter is to spay and nutter your pets because if that was what happened then it wouldn't have balls those were already gone with anesthetics and thus could not be attacked in battle).

"This is the stupidifyer PORTABLE. I can do what I have done on Egypt, except portable. Say hello to you being... THE DUMB!"

He fired the lazer at them! This is the gimmick for this episode! Walter managed to dodge using his kung fu out of the way, but Alucard was too arrogant since he's by this point kind of used to the enemy shooting him so he'll just counter attack like he normally does in the Hellsing show! He turned all kinds of green and lazer and X-ray from the blast, but then when the dust cleared he was fine.

"HA HA! MAYBE THE RAY DOESN'T WORK ON VAMPIRES!" Alucad shouted.

Red Neckbreaker smirked. "What does square root mean."

"FUDGE I DON'T KNOW MAYBE IT DID WORK!"

"NO! I DIDN'T KNOW THE ANSWER AND I WAS WONDERING IF THE LAZER FAILED ON YOU MAYBE YOU COULD TELL ME."

"I will not tell you how to know," Walter chuckled like a psychopath, "But I will tell you how to be told how to know. Stay in school."

Then he did a dive kick, and it targetted the lion, who ran off whimpering like a cat. Or should I say A PUSSY ha ha get it? Wait Lion's dead but I really like the joke so... this was all before Alucard at him okay? Anyway this left Red Neckbreaker to have Alucard laugh and finish him off by eating him, which he had now gotten better at doing.

"WAIT SHOOT." He said. "HE MIGHT HAVE KNOWN THE CURE AND NOW I DON'T KNOW IT!"

And so he ran around in circles. "THE TOWN OF GISA IS NOW DOOMED SINCE I CANNOT FIND THE ANTI-BEAM FOR THEM OR ME!"

"Anti beam?" Walter asked.

"THAT'S IDIOT FOR ANTIDOTE!"

* * *

Meanwhile, a pissed off Integra was currently in the cab but then did a dive-flip off and stared at the Red Sea. It was red. But that was normal because it's the Red Sea. But it also had a giant brain mech in it. That was not normal. Immediately Integra got a susperection that something was not right, and so she got a jetpack out and flew to it.

Inside, she saw Alucard crying that this mission was a failure, and Walter going "Well um maybe we can engineer them to be smart again" and Alucard replying with "BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT ENGENEERING IS ANYMORE!" until Integra stepped up by thinking outside of the box.

"WHY DON'T YOU ASK THE OTHER MEMBERS OF THIS GROUP?"

So then they went into the control room where they saw Nuke, Quarterback, and Blondula.

"ALRIGHT SAID INTEGRA GIVE US THE ANTIDOTE."

"NEVEEER!" Nuke sneered. "YOU'LL HAVE TO PRY IT FROM OUR COLD, DEAD HANDS!"

"Ok let me just kill you first." Alucard said, using his one good arm to hold a gun.

But suddenly, Quarterback tackled him! "I should have guest that..." Alucard muttered under his breath.

"YOU WILL NOT BE WINNING THIS SEASON, FUCKER! YOU ARE NOW THE DUMB!" He shouted.

"I AM NOT THE DUMB, YOU ARE THE DUMB!"

So while Alucard and Quarterback were wrestling, Walter the only one with some sanity ran to Blondula and Nuke. BUT THEN NUKE STOLE INTEGRA's JETPACK AND FLEW OUT OF THE MECH BY BLOWING A HOLE WITH HIS LASER GUN! Then he noticed that, since he forgot to charge it, that was his last shot, so he annoyedingly threw the gun into the sea.

"Ha ha!" He shouted, "I AM GOING NOW!"

"Oh no you don't..." Integra thought, running after him. "NOBODY RUNS AWAY FROM INTEGRA AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!"

"So that leaves us." Blondula said to Walter, filing her nails. "Can I open my top and distract you by doing that, and get me the win?"

"Um, no." Walter said. "Heroes should not get destracted by boobs like that. And I am a good hero. Neither Alucard nor I will be destracted by breasts like you see on those innacurate sit coms."

"What about my vagina."

"Oh ok then Alucard doesn't get distracted still but I am definitely a private weakness."

So then she stood up and pulled down her pants, and Walter punched her in the face and stole her pants. "Idiot." He said, "I am a lot better at hiding secrets than you think. Heck, did you know that I am- oh no nevermind since you're still alive and Alucard's right there."

Walter ran out of the hole that Nuke just blasted, Blondula followed, WHILE WATER STARTED NOW GETTING INTO THE CONTROL ROOM! And, again, since it was the red sea it made it look more ominous.

"I don't see what I have to panic about." Alucard reasoned, "Since this is similar to what happened last time only there is no holyness in the water, is there?"

Quarterback then kicked him, and he flew to the wall on the other side! "HA!" He shouted, "You are no match for my footballing! You are literally the Dumb! And yes, we DO have holy water as well! The Black Box left from the Mafiamights was then used for all HRGs as tips and tricks for what to and NOT to do, don't you know about how HRGs connect with eachother?"

Then Alucard got mad! And even though his brain might be like as if it was on drugs (MORAL OF THIS CHAPTERS FLUNKING OUT OF SCHOOL IS LIKE DRUGS ESPECIALLY WHEN THE FORMER LEADS TO THE LATTER) he still remembered something! About strength! Something like that!

"THERE IS NO WAY WE WILL BUT LOSE!" He cried, withdrawing a gun from his shadows since he is now more advanced like this and shooting at Quarterback several times! But it kept getting deflected!

"AND MY MUSCLES ARE TOO STRONG FOR BULLETS!" Quarterback cried, which just angered Alucard even more! Then he got an idea...

"If I cannot kill you from the outside then I must kill you from the inside! Normally I'd have an idea but I am too much the Dumb to come up with it! Like maybe I could do what Walter's Spiderman move back in the Mafia fight and then you'd drown but I don't know if there's some proper way for it because that part of my memory was a little hindered thanks to this stupid thing!"

He ran to the controls and banged on them! But then, suddenly, a beam of smartness hit him and went to Egypt and got them! Also Shadow since the beam technically drained him too but since he was dead a smart corpse is about as smart as a dumb corpse translation nothing really happened.

"NO!" Quarterback cried, "You found out that if you destroy the machine that uses the Dumb, which the machine itself is called the Dumb, it will give their intellegence back!"

"Um no I didn't I was just being frustrated since I couldn't come up with any smart ideas, which might actually go to show that SOMETIMES STUPIDITY CAN BE A GOOD THING!"

Then he looked at the ceiling and went "Duh" and shot a loose debris thing, then a ton of shit fell on Quarterback (not literally of course) and he was trapped while the room started filling with water.

"But most of the time," Alucard continued his metaphor, "Smarts are a very good thing. In fact the whole stupidity might win doesn't make that much sense to begin with. I am just one lucky vampire!"

Then he jumped out. Meanwhile, Rip teleported through the walls.

"This is not a good way for your time to end." She said. "Getting left pinned by your own mech, drowning in the lake you claimed for your own base... something about that is disgusting."

"SO WILL YOU BE A SAVOR?" He asked.

"No." Rip answered. "Like any decent god, I will not give you any help. Only vague encouragement. You must find a way out yourself."

"AND I KNOW HOW!" He cried, then doing a giant pushup that slammed it to the ceiling. "GIANT PUSH-UP!"

He ran out after them, as Rip laughed and followed.

* * *

"DAMMIT ALUCARD!" Integra cried. "Is that Quarterback guy still giving you some trouble?"

"Hm?" Alucard asked, "I did not notice that he was following me. But I am sorry but he is too fast for my arm moves and when I shoot his skin can block the bullets."

She groaned an "Urgh! Then use bombs!" and stopped in line and readied a gun. "Fuck, I made these new explosive bullets but I guess they will have to be your's since you're so incompetant!"

"Hey! Just before I got my intellegence back I came up with the strategy to make him get collapsed under some rubble!"

Integra ignored him and shot Quarterback. Since it was an older model of the blessed murcury explosing bullets instead of bursting right away it just beeped a few times not like 24 because that shoe is outdated. And while it was beeping he laughed at them.

"YOU FOOLS!" The jock cried. "I can't swim, so I would have drowned anyway when this entire mech falls into the water!" Then it exploded and he died.

Then Integra facepalmed. "SHIT! Maybe I'm the dumb because I realize that we have no way to get off of here and it is too much of a distance to swim! And Walter's probably low on chakra so he can't use the Water Dragons again!"

Walter currently had Blondula in headlock, he already threw her pants off into the Red Sea and they got eaten by a shark (that happens a lot I noticed), and was kind of head-hitting her. "Hey dumbass," He said to Integra, "There is but a way off."

He pointed at Nuke! The jetpack! But since Integra stopped chasing him, he just flew off!

"Double shit. Anyway Alucard, I suggest DON'T FUCKUP AS MUCH OR ELSE YOU ARE FIRED! You can un-get your pink slip possible by eating Quarterback and trying to memory his escape pod. I remember Walter saying something about seeing one there and so did I but we forgot where it was."

"BUT HE TASTES FUNNY AND HIS SKIN IS TOUGH :( So did Red Neckbreaker with the funny taste but not tough skin, in fact I just remembered that I actually used RN's memories on that breaking the controls gives back memory when I was searching his mind for an antidote."

"Alucard, you are a vampire who claimed himself as a servant. So by that logic I am your master, and you are my servant, so I suggest doing what shit I say or else once again you're fired."

"HEY!" Alucard shouted, "THAT'S NOT A VERY AMERICAN THING TO SAY! Well except for the fired part."

"Well it is a British thing to say, since it's legal to say shit in London on TV."

"Ok you're right."

Then he ate it, and after Walter killed her he ate Blondula too. And he got a memory of the map layout.

Meanwhile, Rip shadowported onto the outer hull along with Hecksing, and she shot Nuke's jetpack, and he fell down in a comical fashion to lighten the mood. When he crashed, He grabbed onto the jet pack, and Rip grinned at him.

"If you can fix it, I will let you live." She said.

He got on a confident face, pulled off the jet pack, and stuck a hand in, tearing out the bullet that was inside. It was a pale blue-ish with a small green for some reason.

"BLONDULA THIS IS FOR YOU!" He cried, "For once, the geek...ish guy shall get the cheerleader! Especially now that I saw Quarterback die!"

"But you didn't see Blondula die?" Alucard laughed. "Ha ha."

He got a little pissed, then tried to rearrange around the stuff and wiring, then eventually he turned out to be a trick, and kicked Rip in the shins, and ran off. Rip briefly hopped in place since Nuke's shoes were red (vampire weakness since red words are used to write Jesus in the Bible, and I just want to show that I didn't forget about vampires being inormal to regular human things in Hellsing but at the same time have Rip do a funny hop, and also I guess this makes their holy water redundant since the reddness of the water would rid Alucard's defense vampires and he would drown like a non-vampire) and he took off in a run, before Rip recovered and shot him.

"Don't worry." She giggled to Hecksing as she turned into a mouth and ate him, "I knew he could not fix this anyway. I did not just gamble your safety. You would have all died anyway."

"Um not really," said Alucard, "Since I found the escape pod. Problem. It's one person only."

"I know where it is too!" Rip cried, "Thanks for letting me have the ride!"

She melted through the ground and a few minutes later they saw a shadow being going through the water. It was the spherical escape pod.

"You know..." Alucard said, "I am getting very sick of this Rip character. Anyway, now we will drown."

Suddenly, Father Answerson came! He ninja-dropped onto the scene.

"WHY HELLO THERE, FELLOW ANTI HRG ORGANIZATION!" He yelled proudly. "My name is Father Alexander Anderson. I would like to join you. But first, if you could dine with Jesus, Muhammad, or Buhdda, which would you-"

"I am a proud Protestant Christian. I know what that question means."

"**RAGE!**" He shouted. "There is no religion I hate more than the Protestants! I am a Catholic! I am sorry, we cannot completely join forces, but we can maybe make a rivalry-alliance?"

"Now how the hell does that work?"

"We do not work together unless the scene absoluely calls for it, or it would _really_ help what little goal both of us have in common. Even though my version of the Bible says to be a dick to people of any other religion." (Integra said "Where that isn't true!") "Anyway, dying because the thing you were on fell into water is not a very dignified way of death. So I will save you, BUT JUST THIS ONCE OK? SO MAYBE WE CAN HAVE A SHOWDOWN LATER!"

He took a Bible out, and faced the Red Sea, and held the Bible up, shouting "JESUS!" and suddenly the Red Sea parted a little like what Jesus did! Also Rip's escape pod flew into this section and because there suddenly wasn't any more sea it crashed.

"Now do you have some kind of cool group name?" Anderson asked them as they made their way down the path. "Mine doesn't. But that's because I fight by myself."

"Hecksing." Integra said.

"AHA! Trapfell! I was asking your name so I could make an enemy rival name suitable for it! I call myself Heavensing!"

They found the escape pod thingy, and inside was Rip. Anderson flinched at the fact that she was still naked.

"Oh! Hello there! Who might you be?"

"The smell of your vampireness is even stronger than that hipster in red."

Alucard looked offended. Rip just laughed.

"Hey," Asked Anderson, "Does this one work for you?"

"No." Integra said. "In fact, I think she might have tried to kill us in a way, since she could probably find a way back home, and should I be the one to get a pod, I could fetch a helicopter or something to get Alucard and Walter."

So Anderson punched her and sent her to the other side of the escape pod, and that sent both of them flying. By both I mean the pod and Rip inside of it.

"Understand this." He said, "I hate vampires. I am only tolerant of the hipster one on your side because I think he is completely devoted to you. Is he?"

"Actually yes." Alucard said.

"Ok. But still. A vampire and you're Protestant. That's two strikes. Three strikes, and we have a we bit of a problem. Normally before I would just walk with you, but now that you have two strikes I will just tell you that this jutsu will only last one hour, and you best better run like hell and heaven back to the shore before the water closes in on you."

Then he held out the bible again, and its pages came out and they lifted him in the air, and he was flying. Hecksing looked up at him, just as Rip's pod returned.

"Jeez." She said, "Your new friend is... temperamental."

"He is not our friend." Integra said, before suddenly noticing that Alucard was running with her over his shoulder. "Alucard why are you running?"

"DID YOU NOT HEAR? WE ONLY HAVE ONE HOUR!"

And that made Walter realize this too, and start running! And Rip!

"Hurry up if you want to keep that creeping tagging thing!" Integra shouted towards Rip.

"Hey! You try running in the buff! This isn't my perfect weather!"

"Excuse me," Alucard said, "But from all the research I thought that all the vampires could power up enough to make their own clothes."

"I am at that level, but do you think I would be cruel enough to deny the world of _this_?"

She stopped running briefly to struck a sexy pose, which was done in a comedic anime style fashion, because this entire scene of one hour was supposed to be funny.

"You should." Integra said.

* * *

Now this scene won't be as funny. We go to Rip's house, where she is seen with a huge army of familiars. Yes, the 100 daughters and Nuke are among some of them.

"Everyone, I welcome you to a project I have been working on. You see, something about familiars do not sit right with me. You are bound to someone for the rest of your or their lives, and knowing me, the latter is an eternity. It has recently been discovered that you can undo becoming a vampire by means of stem-cell machines reviving one after death. So I have crafted a machine that can possibly undo a familiarization."

A machine lowered. It just looked like a giant hoop being held up by a pipe wire thingy.

"But I need someone to test it first. So I will make you a deal. Be nice enough and show enough devotion to me, and I will let you go. First as a test, then to be nice."

By the way, to make this scene a bit more serious, she was back in that sundress from the beginning of the chapter. She flew back into the base/mech and got it.

* * *

**Closing AN:**

Another chapter whose ending I had to rush, but I feel like it would still feel rushed if it wasn't for the deadline creeping up on me. I mean, I had everything planned out vaugely (although Anderson making an early appearance was a last-day decision), but still.

If the ending segment made it feel like this seems to be taking itself a little too seriously for a story that's supposed to just be stupidly badly done fun (_Sweet Jade and Hella John_ suffered from a similar problem I believe), rest assured, chapter 3 will definitely, _definitely_ not have that feeling.

To be more clear on Rip's final lines to Hecksing, while she can generate clothes, she prefers to use actual clothing and decide to screw it if she loses them, just so she has some reason to be naked yet also some to be dressed.


	3. The Den

**Hecksing: The Dawn**

**Chapter 3: The Den**

**Beginning AN:**

Well the deadline of this, once again, snuck up on me. Except that after a while I decided to delay this until the whole "two days before chapter 1's publishing date" gig that I probably did for HHC before, to give a bit of nostalgia when it comes to writing these but not as much as the "start it two days before it's supposed to come out!" I had for HUC proper.

**Disclaimer:** The following fan fiction depicts stunts performed by an expert group of supernatural fighters and one badass room. Do not attempt any of these at home. Seriously, it could mess you up!

* * *

We cut a few more years towards the future but it's still in the past as it's now let's just say the 70s because then I could just go ten years in the future each time since this will end with six chapters that is not a spoiler since that's the eventual max chapters when the story is completed. Also maybe there's potential for a That 70's Show crossover? And when on the final chapter will be a little more modern.

Anyway, there was this couple who wanted to get a new house. They checked out the Den. But as the title of the chapter might indicate, THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE DEN IN THAT HOUSE!

The couple went in there but studdenly eyes and a mouth grew on one of the walls!

"HA HA HA!" The room appeared to speak? "I am the Den, leader of the Hitler Revival Group known as the Mierdas! That's Spanish for death! Oh wait I got myself confused with one of my poker budies, WE ARE ACTUALLY THE SOL. YOU BEST LEAVE BECAUSE OUR GIMMICK IS STEALING WOOD, and what better for a leader like me to get wood than someone who is part house?"

The couple fled out and gave a BAD REVIEW to the realtor and then the realtor turned around and revealed to be none other than part of a Hecksing guard, who phoned this unusualness to Integra. But then the realtor also looked at the couple and rubbed his chin.

**CHAPTER III**

* * *

**(Hecksing House Manor Thing)**

It was getting built up to be better, and yes Integra was unfrozen for a few more years as was Walter for a few more. Integra looked at the pair of couple who was bought the house.

"So what were your names again." Integra asked.

The man spoke up first, "My name is Kaitana. And I have a feeling that we have been ripped off here."

"And I'm Deniese, ironic since it starts with 'Den' and our den is evil." Actually I got this joke from _King of the Hill_ about Lucky and Luanna porking in Hank's den and that's what they would name the kid maybe she is their child just in an alternate universe where she was named differently and maybe sent back in time? And Kaitana is because katanas are cool unless you are worshipping them like that Katana Gang back there.

"Hm..." Integra said, looking on her database. She's now um... 16 let's say. "That den is not naturally part of the house. You see, it's really a guy who had put magic on himself to make himself into a sentient room, and then he attatches himself to the house to try to microscopically extract the wood from the inside out. And all of this wood is being used to build a GIANT PLANT CANNON!"

Alucard teleported through the floor and pointed to his head with his still-present arm. "I know this by taking in info from the HRGs that are related to them. Like the Mierdas. I have gotten a lot better at killing them you know. Muh muh muh muh muh." He laughed.

"Okay, but why did you take interest in us?" Kaitana asked, "I mean, lots of people get caught up in HRGs."

"**BECAUSE YOU ARE MERMAIDS!**"

And the camera zoomed down at them. To give more male fanservice they were both naked, oh and since Alucard is supposed to be a stereotype of vampires they are stereotypes of mermaids. They were both blonde and had sea-green (get it?) eyes, and Denises's hair went over her breasts and she had a starfish bow thing.

"I am considering on hiring you for Hecksing as part-time protectors because we might need some water-related magic. After all, in our last major adventure, we were in a giant mech that was slowly sinking into the Red Sea. Now, if you get hired I can pay you a ten thousand dollars a week, and this price might increase the more funding we get and the more badguys we kill."

"JUST NOT THIS BADGUY!" Alucard joked. "My last name is Badguy but I am good!"

"So do you want to do this?" Integra asked.

"No." Deniese replied, "As the only one who is the sensable wife, I suggest-"

"YES FOR BOTH OF US!" Kaitana said, which made Deniese do a sweat drop. "I will totally take the radness of my mission and my future life devoted to Hecksing!"

"You cannot yes for two people. That was made illegal when Abraham Lincon voted no on Prop Slavery."

"I guess I have to go." Chimed in Denise. "For I have to see if my husband makes it out in One Piece." I capitalized that for the reference.

"Great!" Integra said. "Now, you will be joined by Alucard and this other guy named Walter. Since our database on the HRGs have increaased drastically, we know that this guy is something of a dumbass. He might still be in your house. Let's go there now."

* * *

**(Chille)**

They were all riding on a motorcycle with chains on the back. Walter drove it, while Kaitana awkwardly wrapped his tail around him and it looked like he was trying to kill him, while Denises as uncomfterable because the wind blew her hair out of her breasts and needing censor bars and thus she was legally illegal or she would be if London didn't allow nudity. Then again, this takes place in Chille. But seeing the Carnival, I guess being naked is okay in Chille too. Alucard was the motorcycle.

They arrived at the house soon enough, and they knew it was it because Kaitana pointed to it and shouted "THAT'S THE HOUSE!"

So then they got their READY FACES on, but did not put on sunglasses because HTD is not a comedy unless those iniutials stand for "How to Train Your Dragon 2 Coming Out Soon in Theaters". So then they looked at it, and then investigated it. All of them were using guns.

"FREEZE LIVING ROOM!" Alucard shouted. "Ha ha, get it? You're a room that's living, but in America at least, that's also the name of a room to be in!"

Then the room grew its eyes and mouth, and looked in Alucard with a Pissed Off Adventure Time face!

"MAKE ME FREEZE THEN!" The Den cried.

From outside! Walter had a better idea! "Actually I have a better idea."

He was driving a truck and had a chain hooked up to the room, and then he drove off and that ripped the Den out of the house he was trying to "possess". Alucard, Denise, and Kaitana, were all riding along on Den's floor when this happened.

"WAIT." Shouted Alucard. "Now what we have something attacthed to him, it is my strategy that we let HIM drive us, and see where he goes!"

They did that, and the Den grew wheels and drove them to a deeper part of the Chile. Eventually they made it to a giant desert ditch thing with a ditch in it, and in that ditch was a gigantic cannon made of wood.

"LET ME EXPLAIN!" The Den said, "This group is called the Sol! Because it is our mission to threaten the White House with a solar-powered lazor! Now as you know plants can also work as an extra solar panel as they can photoshop solar energy. This is what we will turn that energy into! A GIANT SUN STAR BLAST!"

There were a lot of workers there! Fortunately they were mostly mooks, like the mob members of the Mafiamights and the I forgot to mention but the workers from the Flunk-outs. Or, to give a canon example, the 1000 vampires from Millennium.

Den broke off the chain and laughed evilly as he got out a gun. "SADLY YOU ARE NOW VULNERABLE TO MY DOMAIN! AND I WANT YOU TO BE WORKING FOR ME!"

"OH HELL NO." Walter shouted. "First, we had to go through some dumb dojo thing! Then Alucard lost some of his smarts! That's enough gimmicks for us, we're just gonna have a straight up kill the badguys here!"

"I AGREE!" Alucard shouted, turning back from a motorcycle to his original human form minus the arm but with the shadow mass (at the cost of this the mermaid pair ended up falling on their asses that is if they had any which they might have since we do need more fanservice). "UNLEESH HECK!"

And then he ran up to the Den, and punched him! But it didn't do anything to a reaction! Just a hole was made, and the Den laughed!

"HA HA HA!" The Den laughed, "As my cells in the body have been transfered to be room-like, KILLING ME WILL BE A GIGANTIC PAINT IN THE ASS!"

"NOT IF I CAN'T FIND TERMITES!"

He ran to a jar of termites that he packed with him because he was something of a weirdo, which thankfully being a weirdo helped him out! The termites slowly started killing him, and he screamed until he fell down on his... ass? dead.

"Good now eat him and we can have a portable room familiar!" Walter cried.

"Um, no." He said. "Have you eaten wood?"

"Have you?"

"Shoot, I did not think you would caught onto that."

Then they walked up to the edge of the ditch, and looked over the edge at the project, since the canon is being built there.

"ATTENTION EVERYONE." Alucard shouted. "...YOUR LEADER IS DEAD. NOW, ARE YOU GONNA QUIT RIGHT AWAY LIKE NONE OF THE hrgS WE FOUGHT OR KEEP BEING ANNOYING AND TRYING TO FIGHT US LIKE EVERY hrgS WE FOUGHT?"

Suddenly ropes came around him.

"Oops I guess that's your answer then."

* * *

**(Rip's Place)**

Everything was dark and gloomy and mysterious but that was only because they were in the lab area. Rip had finished electricing up some more touches to the de-familiarizer. Her outfit was now similar to the dress from last chapter, except she now has an exposed midsection and the skirt is kind of shorter. Kind of like Doctor from Hellsing.

"Okay, okay, okay. I have given freedom to fifty people on good behavior. Now, I know, I know, that's less than one percent of you, but with the process now being redone to be completely painless, I am sure that many more of you will voluntier to-"

Suddenly, a smoke bomb! Hit her on the side of the face! While this was happening the 100 daughters of the Don all ran towards the machine!

"Time to multiply the number of people who used this by three!" 100 said.

* * *

"So okay my mermaid couple." Walter said, "Alucard has been kidnapped because those ropes were actually covered with salt which can weaken a vampire. We must go down there and save him."

"How do we do that?" Denise asked.

"Badassly."

He did a backflip into the ditch and fell in action movie style, while the two mermaids just kind of looked at eachother and shrugged. Then they noticed a waterfall.

"IT IS TIME TO BE A LITTLE MORE AWESOME THEN?" Kaitana said, kind of unsure about everything for once.

He ran to the fall and morphed into his fish form, then decided to swim down it. He shouted "AAAAAAHHH BAD IDEA?" When he realized that waterfalls are not always sideways rivers but the water can break up and stuff and make it harder to swim through. Denieses turned into fish also and swam down, chosing instead to trust the instinct of Walter and to get a new house.

Walter reached the floor with a badass ninja land, and there he saw the members of the HRG at hand. Actually for now he only had four to worry about this time, not counting the Den, but that's still more than the last chapter so it's a little more dangerous but luckily he has the mermaids on his side now. The foes were based on the four elements! Flareon, the- fuck that's a Pokemon name. Nevermind, her name was Flamisinin. (I looked up TV Tropes and their fire enemy was a salamander but this isn't Homestuck so that wouldn't make sense. So she's just a fire thingy.) Yeah, that sounds exotic. She was the fire one, and threw a lot of fireballs at Walter, who dodged this by running around and eventually going up to the wall. BUT unfortunately it turns out that since the walls were made of rock the next elemental manipulated them and made him fall off because it got it to fly to the sides! Earthenka, the gnome (earth woman), who made Walter trip down. He was about to jump up and away when he hit what he first thought was an invisible wall like with the Don, but it was really Oxygese (sylph/air) making strong enough winds to stop him!

"DAMN! I am nearly out of opinions!" Walter shouted, looking around. "When are those mermaids going to get here?"

"They won't be getting here anytime soon..." Said the final one, Aquafilla (not aquafina that's an N not an LL), who as you can guess was the Undyne/water one. She was manipulating the water so that it went into a loop, carring their fish forms in circles. "It looks I managed to put out the Hellfire."

"That's heckfire to you! We are hecksing, not hellsing!" Walter shouted. "Because... um, shit, I do not know why."

"Shut up." Said Flamisinin, as she knocked him out.

* * *

"Hey." Asked Kaitana.

"What?" Replied his wife.

"Did you notice that there's this blue girl made of water keeping us in place? Why we're going in circles?"

"Um yes but I didn't want to act like I knew otherwise she might kill me."

Then she hopped out and turned into mermaid form (by the way, the half thing is their default form), then for extra mobility so that she didn't have to hopp around she turned into a more human form, gaining legs and stuff and kicking Aquafilla in the face. She landed, with Kaitana following and also going into his human form, but then they found the elementals all staring at them. They were screwed!

"OH WOAH-WOAH-WOAH!" Somebody was crying like George of the Jungle! It was Kelso from That '70s Show! Like how I said this chapter took place in the seventies! He flew by on a vine but it went past everybody and instead ended up hitting the wall that made the ditch.

Hyde ran up, and snarked, "Hey man, watch out for that tree!"

The rest of the cast was there two! The main six! Well, sort of, as you'll see later.

Deniese asked, "What are you of all people doing here?"

"Oh yeah, that..." Eric said. "We're actually secret agents who want to fight off against Hitler Revival Groups. I think my dad will approve of this."

Earthenka tried to sneak up on him with a "HIYA! YOU WILL NOT BEAT US!" But Eric just grabbed her arms and flipped her over.

"Now, we don't have that much time to stay around here." He said, "Here. Take this and run and go save your friend. I saw that black-haired guy getting carried away by the soldiers over there, follow them."

He gave Denise a batarang. The exploding kind. She nodded, and the couple moved their way over to follow Walter while the T7S cast was up against the elementals. First, Earthenka spawned a rock from her own magic (even though she has a lot around her that she could already use) and threw it at the back of Eric's head, which knocked him out. But then she got bombarded when Donna was standing on the sides, shooting at her.

"THAT is one for the team!" She cried, before Oxygese turned into a gust and warped over there.

"YOUR WINNIN STREAK ENDS HERE!" She said, trapping Donna, Hyde, and Eric in a windstorm (Kelso was still stuck on a wall).

"No, that is not a winning streak. This is a winning streak!"

Next, Fex ran through the arena naked! But he was stunned when Flamisinin threw a fireball on the floor, and he hopped in place because it was hotter on his bare feet (word of the advice to always wear shoes), and then like before Oxygese added more to the mini tornado to trap them.

"That's five..." Aquafilla said, "BUT WHAT ABOUT SIX?"

* * *

**(Canonn's Core (Like in Sonic))**

Both of the mermaids peeked their heads up and saw what was worse than they thought! Alucard was passed out, and going on a conveyor belt that led up to a big machine thing! And Walter was about to be lifted on that same belt! It was a big conveyor belt that moved slow by the way.

"Surprised?" It was Earthenka, who moved herself through the ground to reach them! "This is our converter. See, when we are low on wood, we can convert people and stuff to it, but we usually only bother doing that if they have enough energy to also power up the cannon. You see Walter has a lot of both chakra and ki, Alucard is a powerful vampire, and the two of you are mermaids. But those guys back there are just ordinary humans, so converting them may power up the cannon a little bit but at the same time it weakens the converter. So we'll just wipe their memories of all HRGs and dump them back home."

Those words got Alucard to wake up! "WIPE THE MEMORY OF THE DEVOTED GOOD GUYS?! BLASPHEMY!"

He lept off of the belt, and did a double kick on Earthenka's face! But this only got her to laugh!

"HAHAHA! YOU HAVE BUT FELL FOR A TRAP OF MINE!"

She slid backwards, which also pushed Alucard off and made him do a cool flip. He got out the Jackal, but to his surprise she ended up drawing... a flower. With green petals, as rare to impossible as that might sound.

"DON'T COME ANY CLOSER!" She cried. "Because I know something about plants."

"I didn't know that. Cool." Alucard said.

"But... I'm the earth one! I should know about plants! I thought it was oblivious!"

"Why."

"Because plants grow from the earth!"

"So? Oxygese is the air one, and humans walk in the air, that doesn't mean that she has the power to change humans." By the way in between the mermaids running after Hecksing the Sol members all told them their names. Alucard heard it in his sleep and had a lucky guess and knew which was which since it was a little common in their species to give people pun-like names about their elements.

"IT IS NOT A POWER! I JUST THOUGHT OF STUDYING OUTSIDE OF MY SPECIES COMFORT ZONE BECAUSE JUST ROCKS AND METALS IS TOO BORING!"

"Bording?"

"ANYWAY, this flower's pollen will curse any vampire. Come any closer, and I will activate it."

Alucard shrugged. "Okay. I can just focus on killing your minions instead."

"WAIT!" She cried, but it was too late. Alucard ran off and was looking for more of the soldiers to beat up. Meanwhile, Denise used a super fish jump now back in her mermaid form (same with Kaitana) to reach the top of that slanting conveyor belt, where the converter was. She tossed the batarang inside, it exploded, and the converted was destroyed which also caused a giant shaking of the foundation.

Meanwhlie, Alucard ran up to one of the guys and punched him, saying "IT IS TIME THAT YOU WILL BE FIRED BY AN UNNOFFICIAL SOURCE!"

"WAIT! I AM NOT DOING THIS WILLINGLY! LIKE YOU WERE TOLD IN THE BEGINNING (I know this because there are cameras everywhere outside the didtch broadcasting stuff to TVs everywhere inside the ditch) I WAS MADE TO FORCIBLY SERVE THESE GUYS!"

Then a tear dropped down Alucard's face and he started to twitch becaus eit occured to him that forcing good people to work for the bad is a terrible thing. But forcing bad people to work for the good is kind of kinky.

"MARGH! I WILL END THESE HITER REVIVAL GROUPS!" He shouted.

"Think again." Earthenka said. "Because it is now over."

He turned around, and found that she lied about only doing this if he tried to shoot her! She blew on the green flower, and a lot of pollen was flying towards him. He shouted "NO!" and used his shadow mass to try to catch it all. But to his surprise SOMETHING REALLY BAD HAPPENED! The shadows started turning a little more solid and into some green plant-like stuff, like into vines, that were thrashing around wildly.

"AAAAAAHHHH!" He shouted. "WHAT IS THIS?"

"IT IS A CURSE!" Flamisinin shouted, when she materialized there. As did the other elementals. "SLOWLY, STARTING FROM THE WEAKER SPOTS - LIKE THE SHADOW MASS - IT WILL SLOWLY BECOME STRONGER AND INFECT YOU! IF YOU HAD USED A MORE STABLE PART OF YOURSELF TO BLOCK IT, MAYBE IT WOULDN'T HAPPEN LIKE A VACCINE, BUT YOU WERE TRICKED BY YOUR OWN INSTINCT!"

"WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO ME!"

"YOU WILL BECOME PLANT ALUCARD!"

But then the setting shook again. It was Jackie! ...From the That 70s Show gang! She had explosives rigged up, and deonated them! The problem is that the chunks started falling all over all of them and all eight people inside were KO'd. (Which happens a lot in this chapter but I swear it will be the last.)

"Oops." Jackie said. "I need to run... it wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for those stupid batarangs."

* * *

**(Hecksing Manor-house)**

"Hello?" Integra said on the phone. "Your name is what? Fez? That's a stupid name.

"HECKSING IS WHAT? FUCK, I THOUGHT THAT ADDING TWO MEMBERS WOULD FIX THIS PROBLEM!"

* * *

Upon wake, Hecksing found that apparantly the members of Sol woke up before their members. And Hecksing was all stuck on some kind of machine of sorts that held them like they were over laps.

"WHAT IS THIS A SPANKING MACHINE?" Alucard asked. His arm was still in the form of quickly thrashing vines.

"Yes." Oxygese said. "This is humiliation for screwing us over and knocking us out."

And then it spanked them one at a time. The members of Sol all laughed.

"And as for you, Alucard," Aquafillla added, "Your curse is going to be planty stuff will stick around with you."

First Alucard gave her an evil glare, then he shrugged and went, "Okay."

All four of them flinched back. The plant mass turned into just a little stem on his arm stump, which then grew a similar looking green flower to what he was hit with.

"WHAT?" Oxygese shouted, "YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE OK WITH THAT! ANYTHING BUT OK!"

"Well, you see, while I do know that there is no such thing as immortality, I aso know that after death isn't that bad either. I found out that there does exist afterlives, but since I was raised by an atheist older brother (no parents BTW they died shortly after I was born) first I thought there wasn't. Anyway, once I get there, I could even try to figure out ways back. I even heard of this spiffy new Oil Rig that has a secret stem-cell machine... I plan to leave a little DNA in that and see if it will revive me or, better, clone me! Becides, so what if I now have some plant things? Hm... this is like that Grass Sword thingy. Now that I am more ok with it, I can control it a little more. I wonder..."

Then the stem turned into a gigantic mass of plant stuff (but it kept the flower), that grew and destroyed the machine, then quickly shapped into something of abigass arm (WAY bigger than Alucard!)

"This is more than ok THIS IS SWEET!" Alucard shouted, "I FEEL INVINCIBLE EVEN IF INVINCIBILITY DOESN'T EXIST!"

He shot four vines out of his arm that each grabbed one of the Sol members, and held them up. They all responded by making more of their element and trying to shoot at the vines holding them!

"IT'S NOT WORKING!" Aquafilla shouted, "EVEN THOUGH I USE A LOT OF PRESSURE IN MY WATER ATTACKS, ESPECIALLY CONCENTRATED ONES LIKE THIS, IT'S NOT DOING ANYTHING! IF ANYTHING, THE WATER IS MAKING THIS GROW! WHICH IS DISGUSTING IF YOU THINK OF THIS AS HAVING SEXUAL CONNOTATIONS!"

"MY FIRE CAN'T BURN IT!" Flamisinin also shouted, "FUCK! POKEMON, YOU TOUGHT ME NOTHING!"

"As you can tell not even my earth can cut it." Earthenka said, "And my element is the most solid."

"AND THE WIND... I COULD TORNADO HIM AND IT WILL DO NOTHING!" Was Oxygese's contribution.

Alucard shrunk in his new plant-arm a little bit, and dropped them, but he grew a grass sword from the palm of his arm (this is not a ripoff of Adventure Time because I A: Wanted to make up for the lack of Helena's Nail B: And lack of that much Grass Sword from AT and C: it works a little bit differently.) and swung it, and because it was too fast for the elementals to reform from their elemental looks, he ended up cutting them in half and they were dead. And it was cool because their bloods were different colors. Flamisinin's was dark dark red, Earthenka's was brown, Oxygese's was gray, and Aquafilla's was navy blue.

"ALSO SINCE I HAVE EATEN ENOUGH PEOPLE AND NOW THAT JUST NOW I KIND OF RETONED UP MY NATURAL VAMPIRE POWERS I CAN EAT THEM WITHOUT USING MY MOUTH."

He jumped on the big puddle of blood they had which was mixing together and just absorbed them with his feet.

All of the minions cried out "WE'RE FREE!" And ran off.

Suddenly, Integra drove into the ditch with her car, and hopped out and looked at Hecksing in a rage.

"ONCE AGAIN YOU FUCKED SOMETHING UP. YOU'RE TRAPPED IN THAT THING THAT SPANKS YOU AND- oh um you're free and you destroyed the entire cannon."

Alucard nodded.

"BUT THE HITLER REVIVAL GROUP! YOU LET ONE OF THE MEMBERS GO! AND-"

"I'm pretty sure they're all dead."

"Hm... WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING ON YOUR ARM? IT LOOKS-"

"It's an upgrade." He said as it shrunk back down to just the flower. "WAY better than that blood mass crap."

"Hm... well I guess I DON'T have to bail you guys out this time." She smiled. "Good work, guys!"

* * *

**(Hecksing Manor)**

"Well, I think I've seen everything there is to see in the 70s already. It's got nothing on the 60s. Man, that era was chaotic. Hippies everywhere! I wished I stayed more than a day out there, but as you know, I have to patrol through as much of time as possible!" Integra said, about to freeze herself again.

"Hm." Alucard looked curious. "Were you even born in the WWI era or were you freezing yourself long before then?"

"I was. The freezing technology was not until recent times."

Suddenly, Rip broke through the wall!

"Hellsing! Hellsing!" She cried. Integra sneered.

"It's Hecksing. And you _again._ I'm starting to get sick of you."

"This is very important! You remember the 100 daughters that worked under the Don? The ones I ate?"

"Of course I do. Since I freeze myself a lot, my memories of things from the past are way better than the usual people who can remember World War II from the 70s."

"Well, I invented an anti-familiaration machine. But they stole its use from me! Now they are missing, and free to do whatever they want!"

"Well that's not good." Alucard said.

* * *

**(London Streets)**

We saw a street light flickering on and off, and there were some sparks of electricity like in Terminator. But then, there was a flash of light, and we saw someone fly through! They were holding their hands ahead like driving a car for a few seconds, and had two trails of fire after them, but then dropped to the ground.

It was a male, and he was naked for some reason, but he had this weird pig-mole animal thing that went over his crotch, so there was no need for censor bars. But this animal was smaller than a censor bar.

He reached into his mouth and took out a strange communication thing, then pressed on a button.

"Cortana!" He cried, "Did you make the time travel well?"

"Yes I did, Chief." She said. The hologram thing of her came up.

"Now I need to find clothes and... A KATANA!"

The camera zoomed up, and it was Kamina from Gurren Lag! And the animal was Boota!

* * *

That's it for Half One, kids! But the second half is set to pump up everything! Here's some quote previews for the next chapter, and again, THAT'S ONLY ONE CHAPTER! OUT OF THREE!

...

"I AGREE WITH THE WAY YOU FIGHT BUT MOST OF EVERYTHING ELSE YOU SAY IS HIPPIE TALK!" Alucard yelled.

"HIPPIE T ALK? WHY I AUGHTA..." Kamina yelled back.

...

"OH NO!" Integra shouted. "i AM AFRAID THAT DUN DUN DUN... this is not a game but instead realty1"

...

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY SWAMP?"

**END OF SEASON ONE.**

* * *

**Closing AN:**

Hoo boy, on account of this chapter being more than a little rushed, I do have a bit of things to say about this.

No, I did not forget about the '70s show crossover. I was thinking about writing a scene where they were doing "the circle" in the middle of the ditch, then I thought... nah for now. Maybe yeah for an edit.

I originally wanted Alucard to have some kind of healing each chapter. In the first, he got his shadow mass. In the second, his eye healed. But then I couldn't think of anything other than fully regenerating his arm. So I decided to toy around with it a little, and use an _Adventure Time_ idea that I did kind of find a little underused. A little. And maybe the whole "He can eat just by being near the blood" can be seen as an advancement, even if it's not a healing and even if he did it on the first chapter if memory serves (just not to that extreme)? Oh, and the mermaids will stay around until further notice. Maybe they'll get some actual development. And they can have some more use of their powers other than "Can turn into fish or full humans." And speaking of people turning into things, when Alucard was first "cursed" I was thinking about a scene where he would be constantly shape-shifting yet still finding that a random part of him was being turned into vines, but then I forgot to get to it and for now I didn't really want to add it in. (And once he controls it, he shape shifts more often to show Integra, and this time he deliberately picks a limb for the missing bit that's now plant-like instead of the random "it can be a chunk of the main body" that he would have had before, to show that he's using this for stylistic purposes.) Ah well, maybe that and the elaboration of mermaid magic and a few other things can be done in an edit of this chapter, and does not need to wait for a future one.

One thing I find interesting about this that caught me off guard was the sheer time span the history of _Crconikals_ covered, which could lead to a lot of options if I decide to be a little more true to history than "Hey look, 70s, like _That '70s Show_." You don't realize how long the span from the start of World War I to 2011 is until after you write something mapping it out. It doesn't have to be a story though. A history text book or even an essay would do just fine.

When will the second and final season come out? I don't know. Before season seven of _Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals_ at the latest (Now that I think about it this is kind of filler for HHC), maybe even before season six. The problem is, I have no clear date planned for HHC, and I don't want one since I'll probably not have enough finished in time and... well, like season six, I'll end up posting something like this in its place instead. And while I can usually just wing HHC's content, I _really_ don't want to do that now that season six is coming, as that's supposed to be my best foot foreward and I already cluttered seasons one-five with a lot of pointless nonsense thanks to winging the chapters.

Anyway, hats off HtD's shortest yet weirdest chapter so far! And happy late 6/16!


	4. The Demo Run

**Hecksing: The Dawn**

**Chapter 4: The Demo Run**

**Beginning AN:**

* * *

We start like we ended the last chapter. Well not like that since that would mean naked Kamina. But I mean, back still in the 70s, with Rip telling Hecksing that her familiar broke out.

"You see-" Rip said.

"Wait wait wait." Alucard held a hand up. "It's been a while, and there was a lot of story. First, why don't you give a recap?"

Because that was too fourth-wall-y, let's say that this whole part above the line break isn't canon.

**(Real AN: Recap coming soon!)**

* * *

Then, Kamina broke in as well! Still naked!

"HEY GUYS!" He yelled, "DANGER IS AFOOT! I OVERHEARD THESE FLOOD GUYS TALKING ABOUT TAKING OVER THE WORLD IN THE FUTURE, REALIZED THAT THEY MIGHT BE THINKING OF TIME TRAVEL, AND SO I TIME TRAVELED FAR BACK. NOT JUST A YEAR AGO IN 2010, BUT ALL THE WAY TO THE 70S. Since, for some reason, I feel like I belong here."

"Public nudity isn't legal yet." Alucard said with a sneer. "So no, you don't belong."

"I wasn't talking about that, dumbass. I was talking about... eh, you're too much of a dumbass to understand."

Alucard sneered harder.

"Anyway, you guys are anti-HRG, right? The Flood is an HRG."

"Yep." Integra said.

"Can I join you? My name is Kamina."

"Yes but the HRG rate is down and from looking through Alucard's memories this one called the Flood either doesn't exist or it's very well hidden. And we took out a group called the Hiders shortly before we went to Chile so they'll have to be hidden. So you can time travel to... let's just say, the 80s. Yeah, I'll keep it ten years apart, while I still have two to spend pre-freezing."

"Um, that's the thing... I don't have a time machine."

"Why are you naked?" Alucard asked.

"I can ask where my clothes _and_ my time machine are with the same answer! Two questions with one answer? That sound impossible? Well, that's what I'm like and everything!"

"Um, no, there was a show or something that answered that question already. 'Who was Courtney's Boyfriend?' and 'Who is "Homer?"' Turns out, both the same guy.

"Well," Kamina continued, "You see, I am a Spartian-"

"You're a time traveler. From the past." Alucard said. "That just raises _more_ questions."

"No, not the THIS IS SPARTA kind of Spartain (although I am a THIS IS SPARTA kind of guy), the Master Chief Spartain. I am the Master Chief himself in fact, and to prove it this is Cortana." They waved at eachother. "Anyway, we Spartains were developing time travel after I told them about the plan I overheard from the Flood. The problem is, it can only transport organic materials, so while I went back in the past, the Delorian I came in just kind of kept going and I think it fell off a cliff."

"Really? Time travel that removes your clothing?"

"Well, we knew how dumb that was, so we made a prototype of a car that could transport INorganic things too. But that was flawed, since it turns out that simply turning a certain '1' to a '0' just makes it teleport ONLY inorganic stuff, which is even more useless. Oh, by the way, in 1990, watch out for a delorian with an empty Spartian suit in it flying at anyone, around the UKOL."

Alucard nodded.

"Alright so with you and Cortana in that officially brings up our members to seven. Hrm. I believe that's the first time that's ever happened. Let's try a buddy system from now on, so that I can just send two instead of having, like, all three of us or four of you crammed into one mission. Denise, you'll be with Kaitana. Alucard, you have Walter. Kamina, you can be paired up with Cortana." Integra shrugged. "Well... that was even easier than I thought. It works so obviously."

"Yes!" Alucard pumped a hand up. "I'm not on a team with this dumbass! Thank God, no cop movie crap!"

Kamina laughed at him. "You're happy? _I'm_ on a team with a chick! This merman is on a team with a chick-"

"That's my wife! But yeah, she's a chick. I don't care if you call her that, but she does." Kaitana said.

"...And you have Dork Dude on your team. Unless you _like_ that kind of person in a yaoi sort of way!"

Alucard anti-grinned at him (it's like a grin but in a frown shape).

"And what am I assigned to?" Rip asked.

"You are assigned to **THE HELL OUTSIDE OF MY OFFICE NOW!** You are not a part of this group unless you want to be. Do you?"

"Hmmmmmmmm... not yet."

"**THEN GET THE HELL OUT YOU WASTING MY TIME!** Now, time and stasis stuff... the eighties... in two years-"

"We hit that age where we don't really 'age' anymore, since that's a thing for mermaids." Denise said. "We'll stick around and keep Alucard company."

"I am an AI, I don't age either." Said Cortana. "Alucard, I can be your partner while Walter and Kamina are in stasis."

"Speaking of that..." Walter said, "Kamina, you can use my chamber. ...Hrm... If I do the math and make up how long I was unfrozen between chapters 1 and 2 and 2 and 3, then if I add up the years I'll be unfrozen, then by 2011 I'll be my canon age of 69 now, so yeah, I'll stick around too, even though unlike you guys, I am totally not a supernatural being at all."

Alucard laughed. "So in two years, _I'll_ be the one partnered with the hot chick!"

* * *

It was the 80s now and Kamina and Integra were unfrozen. But Integra wasn't there, she was in her newer and 2-story home, sending out the other six to a mission in Laos. They were all together, which contradicted the previous idea about partners and jeopertied the wasting a perfectly good plot. Alucard had on an afro.

"What's that for?" Kamina asked, now having gotten himself some clothes.

"I wanted to blend in." Replied Alucard, annoyed.

"To what? A gay porno?"

"Grr... no."

Then, across the street and in front of a Gay Porno Place, a man walked in front there.

"Hey-a Alucard!" He said, "Nice to see you-a! **My wife** and I are here to root for you!"

And a woman was right becides him, and the punchline is is that you think he's a gay stereotype, but just because you act a certain way doesn't make you gay. And that rhymes, making it good for a slogan somewhere.

"Hey Luigi!" Alucard cried back to his friend. I named him Luigi because I realized that the stereotype gay accent looks like an Italian accent when I tried writing it down. "That was a friend of mine."

Anyway, Alucard took off the afro, when he got a call from Integra! (Not a tweet because Fakebook doesn't exist yet.) Well actually, he didn't take it off right when he got the call, just after Integra said him too.

"You're getting closer to the Lexcorps. TAKE OFF THAT AFRO WIG OR ELSE YOU'LL GET SPOTTED."

"BUT IT'S FASHIONABLE. :("

"I DON'T CARE. IT'S AN EASY TARGET!"

And then they heard a gunshot, and everyone except Alucard looked at the wig (not Alucard because how could he lol?)! There was a bullet hole in the center!

"Okay you have a point. Now where is it?"

"Wait," Denise interrupted, "Where was _that shooter?_"

"Eh just ignore him." Alucard waved, using his plant arm in case you forgot about it since the recap isn't canon. "What's the worst that can happen?"

But everyone else ignored him, especially Kamina since it pissed him off, and they ran to it. It wasn't a man! (Or a woman since Badguys can also be Badgirls, I'm not the person who thinks that only men and mind-controlled women can be villains) It was a machine! A big fort! With a giant L on it!

"L FOR LEX LUTHOR!" Alucard said.

"How do we know that the L doesn't stand for something else?" Kaitana said. "Like, 'Laxative.'"

"Because he has two Ls in his name. Anyway, even if it wasn't, anything that shoots automatically either does that because it's Anti-Alucard, which is worth looking into - but only if the anti-ness is trying to _kill_ me or _hurt_ me since I believe in free speech - or it's shooting people on the sidewalks who walk by, which is also worth looking into."

So Alucard ran up to it and ripped the door thing open with his plant-hand.

Inside, all there wsa was a series of twelve chairs with helmets by them, and one of the helmets was occupied by a person! Alucard ran over there and lifted the helmet.

"OH THANK GOD!" He exclaimed, "I was stuck there for hours!"

"Your were trapped in that helmet place?"

"Um, not trapped, I was wondering, how do I get past the fifth and final level?"

"...Of what?"

"The Demo Run! It the simulation here! Lex Luthor-"

"HA!" Alcard shouted, "I KNEW IT WAS HIM!"

"-Set this up as a demo task for a game!"

"What about the guns?"

"Oh. That was to kill Hecksings."

"ARGH!"

"BUT! I am a fan of you guys."

"How did you know that if Integra kept us secret?"

"I'm a stalker."

"Oh ew."

"Anyway, you can disable them AND find out more about Lex should you beet the game! But keep in mind that you arefree to leave whenever."

"Right, also Hecksing," Alucard said, "We are on a time limit."

"Tjhere is no time limit." The guy said.

"Yes there is. It's called the Temper of Intega. She wanted us to find out more about the Flood, mabey these guys can tell us something. Now, since Hecksing is still uspposed to be a secret..."

He got out an MIB thing (Men in Black not something else it could might stand for) and flashed him! With the MIB thing not his penis. Then Denise quickly nodded and scurried him out of the building, and closed the doors on him!

"Wait! That was our only guide dumass!" Kamina shouted to Alucard.

Alucard shugrred. "Gamefaqs."

Then they sat down and put on the helemets, and everything went black in thheir vision for a minite.

* * *

Level one was a town. Suburbs.

"THIS IS BORING! IF I WANTED TO PLAY A KINGOF THE HILL GAME I'D JUST PLAY THE SIMS OR SOMETHING!" Kamina cried.

"Things may get more out of hand later, matey." Alucard snickered. Also in the virtual world they didn't have helmets on.

"HEY LOOK IT'S A FLAG!" Alucard cheered, "I THINK THAT MEANS WE'RE ALMOST WON!"

It was at the end of the street! BUT THEN, Cleverbot made a cameo! (An: I don't know who that show is so appologies if this is innacurate)

"Hello I am the tutorial guy, my name is Cleverbot. Before you can proceed, let me explain the game."

"NOOOOOO!" Kamina shouted.

"First, those flags get rid of the invisible walsl that keep you out of the next level. Go ahead and grab one after I teach you how to enemy."

And then he spawned a Kyriptonite. And then suddenly everyone in Hecksing had laser cannons.

"Just aim and shoot to kill them. These are basic enemies."

So they did.

"Alright, now you can grab the flag."

And they did, and the blue walls keeping them in the alley were gone. Cleverbot then led them out to a five-way intersection.

"This is the hub world," he continued, "Right now you can only go back to the Suburbs area, or keep going to foprest. Beat that, to unlock the biomes level. Beat that, facotry. And that, the final city where the badguy is. Kill him, and you deactivate the turrets. Ok I'm done now." And then he faded away while screaming in pain.

Nodding, most of them ran down to the street where the forest was. Except Kamina. He ran back to the alley, thne in the opposite street to see what would happen. But he hit his head on a "Do you want to leave?" sighns that popped up, and his head accidentally hit "YES!" Goes to show not to run in streets! Also this was a demo hence wy that logging out was so dumb.

So Kamina was warped out of the game and back into the real world, and that pissed him off, so he went back in with the helmet on. BUT HE STARTED A NEW GAME SINCE THIS HAD NO SAVINGS! (Again it was a demo run)

"BY THE WAY," Cleverbot said, "THIS IS NOW A NEW SESSION SINCE YOU SELECTED COOP WHEN YOU WENT WITH HECKSING!"

"NO!" Kamina shouted.

* * *

**(The First Session)**

They were blasting Kryptinites as well as Gokus (that's the next enemy by the way, like Koopas to Gombas) whebn Kaitana asked, "Where is Kamina?"

"Eh... screw him." Alucard grinned and laughed as he continued blasting.

"My radar shows that he has left the game yet started a new one." Cortana offered.

Then Alucard's phoen rang! It was Kamina!

"Hey I can contact you over the virtual phone still? Huh?"

"Yeah that's for all people in the machine, regardless of session. Cortana used her electic powers to tell this. It turns out that we don't nbeed that Cleverbot guy afte all."

"Well, I can't only be in your game now for one exception. We either quit-"

"Not in your life." He said. Denise nodded in agreement. "You're too much of a useless member to be worth starting over, and were't not that far yet, so that is saying a lot about how much I hate you."

"-Or I can streetpass myself in as a shadow."

He then toggled on his wireless (so did Kamina but let's not focus on him just yet it's a surprise) and a shadow Kamina appeared. "If I win, I get to take your place. If you win, you get to take my place. Loser is kicked off and has to start over. Again."

"WHAT WHERE DOES THAT GET ME?"

"It givesyou the pleasure of kicking my ass."

"Alright then I'll sign in."

But then it showed the stats screen! Alucard still only had the basic cannon, while Shadow Kamina had that and a bomb launcher!

"WHY IS YOUR STATS SO BUFFED?"

"Becaus eI got to the point where I'm about to enter the cave. I'm good at this."

"WE'RE TWO TASKS BEFORE THAT! JUST AS THE PART WERE WE HELP THE GIANT BEAR, THEN AT THE PART WITH THE MOUNTAIN CLIMB!"

"So... in other words, you just started. What a dumbass."

Speaking of things that just started, the match! Both of them weere in a ring that looked like Rome, except Kamina was fighting a Shadow Alucard while Alucard was fighting a Shadow Kamina! It wasn't the same ring!

"Okay..." Alucard said. "I hope your realize that you at a major disadvantage. I am not only a strong vampire with decads of experience, but I have a plant arm that-"

But he was trying to be cockY! Using his cock as a weapon meant nothing against Kamina, who simply bombed him with the cannon! He was out!

Kamina digital beammed his way into the other session! And Alucard into Kaminas! Which prompted him to say, "AW CRAP OI'M AHEAD NOW I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I JUST DID!"

Kamina himself though, bragged about being behind yet gladded that he could do the same.

So then he led the team into the cave where they defeated the badguy boss (a evil Problem Slueth? I don't know does this take place in the fright time?) and got the flag to access the biomes world. It worked like this: It was a big island with lots of types of areas on it, kind of little.

* * *

So in the desert, the mercouple was complaining. That it was too dry.

"But our magic is weaking!" Denise shouted.

"Not that will die!" Kammina belted in return, pointing to the air. "After all, this is only a game dumbass!" And he did the grit teeth punch on her, to get her point. "NOW, DOES ANYONE ELSE NEED A PUNCH OF ENCOURAGEMENT?"

Kaitana raised his hand, so Kamina punched him too. "LET'S GO ON!" he shouted.

After crossing lots of other biomes (yes they corssed several to GET to the desert I may draw a map as bonus content), they found their way into a tunra.

"Chief," Cortana said, "I detect a zero chance of you getting through here."

"FUCK NUMBERS AND STATISTICS! TEAM GURREN- I MEAN SPARTA- I MEAN HECKSING!"

He charged foreward. And froze in a blue Kamina ice. Because he didn't have clotes on becides pantts. Oh right, Denise and Kaitana should freeze two on acount of being naked. Cortana (an AI immunte to that) sighed.

"Is ther anyone with some desencey?"

"I am!" Walter cried, butlering up some hot coco. After sipping it the frozen characters unfrozen and Kamina gave him a funny look.

"Hrm..." Kamina said, "I don't trust this guy. I think he's working for a villain or something."

Waler only smirked back at him.

Anyway they got htrough even MORE biomes (more than Mincecraft!) and got to the lava castle at the end! There, they found the boss... Shrek!

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY SWAMP?"

"Oh God." Even Cortanaa the stoic was surprised and repulsed.

"Now," Shrek said, "There is a deal we can make-"

"THIS IS NOT DEAL OR NO DEAL BUT IF IT WAS THEN I PICK NO DEAL!" Denise shouted before using her water magic ()finally! to blast water at him! It pushed him back into the lava behind him, and he melted! Then she smirked. "Hey... I did something to bold!" And they got the next flag!

Meanwhile, Alucard was also tearing these biomes a new one! His plant arm greatly helped, since it was like his wierd blood stuff except the plant material is a lot denser and could survive sme tough shit. Anyway, when he made it to Shrek (by the way he did also use the plants to kill the Evil Problem Sleuth and catch up to where Team Kamina was at) and unlike Denise he listened in.

"Now," Shrek said, "There is a deal we can make. Ill write it down."

He wrote a paper. Alucard read it.

"Anal sex.

...

...

...

In the ass."

(Yes those dots were part of the paper.)

Alucard look over at Shrek with a annoyed face.

Shrek waved back at him with one hand and flipepd him off with the other.

Alucard kept the face and shook his head slowly.

* * *

The next level was the Industial Wasteland. While Team Hecksing got through it easily, Alucard (he turned his plant-arm into a giant knife, although he had a lot of powerups) was having struggle with the platforming since his moves were all for fighting but the platforming he had no help with and it was really hard. Kind of like the Super Mario games before the flyuing powerups were made. He kept falling inot acid and responding and saw his life counter at zero.

"Oh wait. What happens if I die? Do I got to last save?"

"Um, no." Said Cleverbot. "THEN YOU DIE IN REAL LIFE!"

"NO!"

"Nah I'm just screwing with you. You just have to start the game over again. Remmeber this is the 80s, where games like go back to title screen didn't exist yet."

"Aw crap. I must be more careful then!"

**In the other session...**

"CONGRADULATIONS! We defeated the Robo Terminator monster!" Kamina cheered, "Just one more level for us!"

"Yes," Walter laughed, "But you never would have done it if not for my stragtegy."

"Okay but I have some strategy too if you forget." Kamina waved a finger.

So they went to the final level. The city. It lookd kind of like the city they found the Demo Run in.

They made it to the boss! (The level was only a trail to the boss) Lex appeared on screen!

"You win your games. But now I will be the final boss. HERE';S IS MY ULTIMATE ATTACK!"

And then he lasered Kamina! And Kamina exploded! And he jumped from the seat in shock and saw the others still playing the game, twichting as they tried to avoid the attack.

"Oh now... Hrm... Alucard, you look like you lasted longer than me... I must say... I kind of appreciate you."

Alyucard took off his gear and smiled. "Yes and I beat the game."

Kamina got down on one knee. "You are a better asset to the team than I thought! I'm sorry I kept insulting you!"

"Well I know one way you can make up for it."

"How?"

Alucard also got on a knee and leaned in. "Kiss mke Bro." He whispered.

"Ok but only a kiss because this is still rated T."

Then they kissed! And Kamina woke up, still in the game!

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?" He shouted at Lex Luthor!

"That was my ultimate attack! I give you a bad halucination!"

"URGH! THAT LASER COULDDN'T HAVE JUST KILLED ME INSTEAD!"

"It will kill you later on though, because LEX LUTHOR WINS!"

Then Lux Lether won! Kamina was killed and ejected form the game! And he looked at Alucard, still mumbling something about acid platforms, then smirked.

"Heh. Yep. He's stuck ont hat level I beat on ym first try. There's no way that redneck is good. I'm better than him. Who the hell does he think I is?"

He looked at Alucard more.

"Why am I thinking about him so much? Ick!" Then he ran! But instead of a door leading to the park outside, he saw the door now led to... still the same park (let's not make this confusing) BUT THERE WAS BATMAN VILLAINS THERE! Lex Luthor! Catwoman! Mystique! The Flash! And to keep in line with there being at least one original HRG involved, he was partnered with two original members named Haxxor and Kenny, and they were part of the two-men HRG labeled "Demos"!

"Hold it right there!" Lex shouted. "-"

Kamina cut him off before he could even quotation further! "THE MIGHTY KAMINA NEVER HOLDS IT FOR ANYTHING! EXCEPT THE BATHROOM! Speaking of which where is it."

"Oh that way." He pointed. Kamina went over there.

* * *

"So if I hit the left part of the monitor, that's the weak spot." Kaitana said, "Because he shoots more lasters right."

"No," Denise said, "He shoots more to the right not because he's overall stronger on the right, but because his monitor's weaker and he needs the defense!"

"Hrm... but that's also asusming that we need to hit the monitor in the first place."

"Right. The logical would be the _computer!_"

"I was going to say the cameras. Remember, there might be a flag here."

"How many games end final levels with the regular end of levels? No, it's a boss! There's no Mario game that ends with a flagpole, it's always after Bowser!"

"_3D Land_ and _3D World_ have flags after bosses. And so do the _Galaxy_ games, and the key in _64_."

"You forget the giant Shinesprite, giant star, in _Shunsine_ and _64_. Also, in _Sonic_ games, the robot holder is what ends the level, and that's after the boss."

"The first part is I'm right! The second, yeah, but that's different from the signboards!"

"The sign boards are like the stars and big stars, it's still a similar end of the level hobby, the point is the level doesn't end when the thing is destroyed."

"Yes but the final boss does! This is about final bosses!"

"In Sonic, not MArio!

Then Cortana got out BFG 9000 at the monitor.

"Am sorry but I used calculations. As an AI, call this cheating but I hacked into the game itself sort of and managed to do this."

So then they blew it up, and a flas came out!

"See!" Denise said, "I told you there would be a flag!"

"Wait..." Kaitana said, before the mermaids looked at eachother.

"WHICH SIDE WAS I ON?" Both of them asked.

"Does not matter." Cortana said, "Through the game I tried calculating which was which. You two are both the dumbasses, whichis a competition sicne LAucard and Kamina are close. I am the smart one. Alucard is the strong one. Kamina is the fanservice, narrowly beating me."

"Who does that leave me?" Walter laughed as they were about to grab the final flag and leave the game.

"The snarky asshole."

":("

* * *

"OH NO!" Integra shouted. "i AM AFRAID THAT DUN DUN DUN... this is not a game but instead realty1"

This was the first thing that Denise, Kaitana, Walter, and Cortana heard after leaving. Integra jumepd into the game too!

"Oh no..." Walter said, "Now she'sll say we fucked it up."

This was followed by her adding a "OH YOU'RE JUST FUCKING WITH ME HAHAHAHA!"

But then they noticed the HRGs standing there! Getting ready, into position...

Catwoman was defeated fast when Kaitana just splahed water on her. She complained because cats hate water and ran out, leaving herself open for Kaitana to use his magic to temporarly also make a fish knive (think swordfish) and stab her with it! Also, Denise defeated the Falsh since Flash was running circles around her, and Denise did what he didn't know about Mermiads by turning into leg forms and tripping him.

"I THOUGHT LEGS WERE JUST THE DISNEY MOVIE!" Flash cried. Denise laughed and then used the foot to step on his head and crush it in. "I guess not," Denise gave a one-liner.

So that left Lex and Mystique! Mystique decided to confuse by shape-shifting into Walter, and then attacking them, and they rolled through the ground to mix thm up! When they both stood up,

"Tell us apart!" Said one of the Walters.

"Um he's the charke guy," Kaitana said, "And none of us are that good."

"MAgic and chakra are different thinkgs, Chakra is more like energy." Denise said.

"SO! We could ask you a question only we and the real Walter would know!"

They looked at eachother. Then at Cortana.

"What?" Cortana asked. "My knowledge force is only linked with Kamina. Speaking of whihc, he's in the bathroom, first he really needed to piss, then he's using it as a hideout to make a missile."

Lex and Mystique looked at eachother. He did this by looking at the two Walters, trolling them (even Lex didn't know the difference) because it made Denise, Kaitana, and Cortana look around and got trolled because they were studying his eyes.

Then Lex burst into the restrooms! But Kamina was smarter than that, so he pretended to be on the toilet! With his pants down and everything!

"GAH GET OUT OF HERE!" Kamina shouted. Lex backed out.

"HEY WAIT AMINUTE! BUT CORTANA SAID YOU WERE PLANNING-"

"GIGA MISSILE BREAK!" Kamania shouted, and the toilet lifted up and flew at him and exploded, killing him (of course Kamina jumped off first). The two members of the Demos were just watching on.

"So that just leaves Mystique." Kaitana said. "Hrm... what to do... I still haven't came up with the question-"

"What is your nicknamme?"

"Angel of Death." One of them said. "Wait a minute... YOU'RE THE FAKE!"

Then Walter hit the now-Mystique, and so did Cortana, Denise, and Kaitana! And Kamina jumped in as well! While Haxor and Kenny laughed. Then they hearrd "UNLEESH HECK!" As Alucard jumped at her too!

"Hey Cardy!" Kamina shouted, "Did you beat the game too?"

"No I still died at the damn acid pits. But the important thing is that I am here to help you out."

Then Mystique jumped up, and shape-shifted into Godzilla! She broke through, like, the far wall of this, leaving the computer intact for a plot-reason. Kenny and Haxxor laughed harder.

"It turns out that we were first not fighting to surpurvise and watch, for an HRG lesson." Haxxor said, "Our group, the Demos, to your group, the Lexs. But we really just wanted to hijack the computer system and turn the demo run... INTO THE DEATH RUN! Or, a cooler name, the AI!"

Then he pushed a button, and to remind others that this was still a _Hellsing_ fan fic, this was achived with Satan symbols! Then the computer system went up, with Integra and a teleporting Rip (now wearing a white miniskirt and a white version of John Redcorn from KOTH's vest buttoned up, nothing underneath the shirt but her white panteis could be seen under the skirt because of how she sat) who also checked out the game.

"HEY!" Mistique shouted, "HE CAN'T DO THAT, CAN HE?"

Then a hologram of the Overseer/Alucard's Bro showed up! "yes he coon. i am nooww makoong this a part of his HRG. after ooll, he and thoos got to livve, lex died"

"I'M STILL ALIVE. DOES THAT COUNT FOR ANYTHING?"

"yes. yoo fired eh for being a proock to me. read the beginning of huc. nootice how they got nervoos when i was hologram toolking them at the end of the first choopter" Everything from 'read the begining of HUC' was not canon by the way, too much fourth wall.

Then Mystique got so mad, and started wrecking through Laos! Also, the AI ended up getting parts of the building to itself, and hacked in an extra aromor, until it looked like a building with the chairs hanging from it, wires linking the limbs (of metal), and the head was a monitor showing an angry ACSII face! But Alucard took note of the appearance.

"Bro?" He asked. Kamina looked over, then twitched.

"Don't _ever_ call me bro.. .anyway WE MUST FIGHT WITH THE MANHOOD SPIRIT!" Kamina shouted.

"I AGREE WITH THE WAY YOU FIGHT BUT MOST OF EVERYTHING ELSE YOU SAY IS HIPPIE TALK!" Alucard yelled.

"HIPPIE T ALK? WHY I AUGHTA..." Kamina yelled back.

Instead of fighting, they had to be broken up when Denise shouted, "IDIOTS, INTEGRA IS UP THERE! and that rip girl."

Then they went, "NO! INTEGRA HANG ON!"

Walter grabbed his shoulder, and did handsigns, and said "SUMMONING JUTSU!" He made a giant wolf! Then he and Alucard got on its back, and they were kaijuing it up through Laos! Kaitana and Denise got close together and "combined" by turning into a giant scale fishperson monster! Then Cortana noted that, as an AI, she could replicate some of Kamina's equipment from the fturue, including Lagann and Gurren! Kamina got in Gurren, Cortana Lagann combined, and they were Gurren Laga! (PS Kenny and Haxxor got on the AI so they were together.)

"Hey I didn't know you could fuse like thta." Alucard joked.

"Well, I didn't know about Cortana and Kamina having the mechas!" Denise commented.

"YES BUT SUMMONING JUTSU? WHAT THE HELL? THAT'S A HIGH LEEVEL FOR YOU!" Asked Kamina.

"Okay, so we all have these abilities that came out of nowhere. But let's fight them!" Alucard commented.

So they fight started when Walter moved the wofl over to Mystique, and Alucard jumped off!

"HA! No vampire can pierce through my Godzilla skin!" Mystique laughed, "I will not even try to shake you off since this is me bragging about my powers!"

"No, but a plant can!"

Then Alucard turned his plant arm into a spike (thorn? hahahaha) and pierced her! And he absored her blood through it, until she turned into blood that went into him! But this left him falling, until the AI knocked him into a building! But there was Minh from _King of the Hill_ there, as a hot 20-something in the past, showering!

"Hrm... this has always been a fantasy of mine." She said after having a big scream at someone falling into her bathroom.

"Me too!" Alucard shouted. "I loved being flung into a building. Now I can be more like superman! Stranger, do I look like Superman to you?"

He put on that handsome meme face.

Meanwhile, the AI was knocking over Kaiatana and Denis's fusion form like it was knife through toilet paper! Although then Gurren Lag drilled through the AI kind of like a drill through metal or something. (Knifes are metal right?)

"Cortana!" Kamina shouted, "TRY TO OVERTAKE IT MAYBE?"

Cortana nodded, then uncombined Lagann and jumped it onto the AI, and pierced its head. Then there was a lot of green lgiths but sadly red overtook it!

"OH NO!" Kamina shouted, "Are they hacking the hacker! Cortanaa, can't your AI overrun this or something!"

"Normally, it should, but- AH!"

Then, like in episode 2 of GL, there was red screens over Lagann that had a stick figure of Cortana's face with a do not enter sign over it! Then it got worse! Red electricity came through, and suddenly Cortana turend red with black eyes! IT was like Jane in _Homestuck!_

"OBEY." She shouted.

"NO! THIS IS A BAD TWIST!" Kamina shouted. "I mean it makes sense but this is kind of a stupid thing-"

He was cut off when Lagann re-made Gurren Lagann but it was an Evil Gurren Lagann and Evil Cortana opened the drill tunnel thing tto him and got into Kamina's cokcpit and started strangling him! In a panic, Kamina moved Evil Gurren Lagann (the steering wheel still worked) to the fish-fushion, and banged on it.

"HELP! THE AI IS SUPPOSED TO BE STRONGER THAN THE SPARTAN IN CASE THE SPRATAIN IS MIND CONTROLLED! THIS IS IRONY!"

Then they unfused and got into Gurren's mouth! This left the AI to laugh at Walter and the wolf, who was now alone since Alucard couldn't find his way out of Minh's housE!

"NOW YOU ARE DEAD!" Shouted the AI.

"Hm, that's odd." Rip commented. "There's no boss here. Just the flag. That's an unusual way to end the game. Hrm." Then the AI's face turned into a Youtube buffering symbol! As Rip's hemit came off!

"OH NO!" Haxxor shouted, "Shoot! I forgot, when someone beats the game, it kind of resets a little! Now is your chance to finish it! This is because it can't handle both games and trying to take over the world at the same time!"

But instead of rebooting, the YT buffering turned into the Mac rainbow ball symbol, then a blue screen of death as it fell over.

"This is a DEMO dumass!" Kenny laughed at Haxxor's stupidity. "Of course it''s going to crash!"

On the chairs, Integra was yelling.

"HELP! I'M BEING ATTACKED BY MISSINGNO!"

Then Rip ran to her and opened the helmet. By the way, Evil Gurren Lagann was still thrashing around with three heroes and one villain in it.

"Oh. It's you _again._ well, shoot, I think you technically saved me. Nice job. Welcome to Hecksing."

Then Haxxor laughed. "I still have this remote that can still somehow control Cortana-"

But his hand was shot with Alucard. He made it back!

"ARGH NOW MY HAND WILL BE SHOT OFF FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!"

Then AAlucard ate him. "Which isn't that long. Heh heh heh."

But that still left the remote! Kenny grabbed it, then went, "I know fighting you is bad idea since you're all kind of strong and magic, but I can still run off with it! With some allies! I hear that these 100 daughters are pretty cool... heh heh heh!"

He ran off! And Cortana was still evil! All four of them were ejected from Gurren's mouth, then Alucard looked at the situation.

"DON'T!" Kamina shouted, "Even with your vampire powers, AIs were designed to not get penetrated by even the strength of a vampire! It's called hard light, like Red Dword, exaplaining why as a hologram she can still grab stuff! Like my neck agh argh aragh!"

But, again, his plant-arm could reach through and turn off her light bee. It fell to the floor, and he tossed it to Kamina.

"Here, hippie." He laughed.

"As a new Hellsing member," Rip broke in, "I suggest tracking down that man as soon as possible. And the 100 Daughters, of which he will be trying to find himself."

"HEY!" Integra shouted, "YOU ARE ONLY A ROOKIE AND EVERYONE OUTRANKS YOU! AND THEY DIDN'T DO THAT GOOD OF A JOB THIS MISION SINCE A ROOKIE, YOU, HAD TO SAVE MY LIFE AFTER I CAME IN THERE FROM TIME!"

"**MARGH!**" Alucards houted turning into scary eye form! "**YOU WILL LET RIP SPEAK, GOT IT PATHETIC HUMAN?**"

Everyone looked creeepied out. Even the badass Kamina. "I thought you never were like that to Integra." Walter asked.

Alucard laughed. "I'm sorry, but anyone who saves Integra's life is a friend of mine. Rip, you saved Integra's life, and since I value Integra, I will value you."

"What about me? _I'm_ Integra!" Integra asked.

"That my code of onor."

"Codes of honor will just get you killed." Integra saikd.

"Amen." Kamina nodded. "Just ask..." then he got a sad face... "Yoko... sniff. She's dead."

But then Kamina got more happy as he pointed foreward. "BUT LET'S IGNORE THE PAST- or actually that is the future - WE HAVE A NEW LOCATION TO GO TO!"

"Actually, stasis." Integra said, "That's just kind of a general plan. Don't freeze yourself too long so a era goes into chaos, but not unfreeze long enough so we die younger and not get that far into the future."

Kamina shrugged. "Yeah, okay."

"I can hold onto Cortana." Walter suggested.

"NO!" Kamina yelled back, "I'm keeping her with me into the freezing chamber! Only I can tinker with and fix her to de-hack the hacking that came when she tried to hack the Demo's hacking of the Lex's hack. Well what Lex did might not be a haxk."

Then they got into badass pose as they charged to the sunset (sorry I picture too many of these chapters in the day used to day stories so I guess most of this fic is in the day unless said otherwise somehow and Alucard keeps to the shadows Rip's strong enough to not be affected), to make it look like they were off to Kenny's place but instead it was back in the mansion just to look up criminals and in a few years freezing.

* * *

**Closing AN:**

Guess what was rushed here too?

Anyway, this was originally going to be kind of different. For one, the quotes in the preview would have been arranged in a different way from how they are now. Kamina and Alucard would have had that little talk as soon as they met. The Integra thing... Integra was meant to join them originally, and originally dying would have killed them for real. But logging out still would have worked just fine, all to make it more stupid.

I did not realize this at first but the main characters have an even gender ratio. Alucard, Walter, Kaitana, Kamina. Rip, Integra, Denise, Cortana.

This is probably my favorite chapter so far, even though it's rushed.


	5. The Duon

**Hecksing: The Dawn**

**Chapter 5: The Duon**

**Beginning AN:**

* * *

It was morning and Kamina awoke with Boota (AN he wasn't in last chapter because I forgot... let's say he's kept safe in the house and not forced out with the scary kaiju), then went from his apartment into Hecksing Manor (now it's three sotories) and it was... REVEEALED TO BE THE 90S!

In the manor, Integra gave them the next mission:

"We have found a new lead on the Kenny from the 80s. He is at a base somewhere in the Grand Canyon-"

"GRAND CANYON AGAN- wait I'm Alucard not John wrong story, nevermnd." Alcuard said. Wow, that's a pretty stupid first words for the chapter, don't you think?

"It's by this currently empty base. There''s a nother less empty one for an HRG called the Akatsuke. Be careful, it's probably one of the bigger ones yet. Now, team, go! And what the hell, like in the 40s and 50s, I'm joining you from the bat. No more of this 'I won't join at first but I will later,' because that is formula, AND FORMMULA IS FOR BABIES! Get it, that's a milk joke. Unless you got milk like those adds, because I believe in good bones."

"Then why not get a skeleton?" Alucard asked, and then rimshotted.

"Shut the fuck up."

* * *

In the grand canyon, Kamina was stil ltoying around with the Cortana light bee thing.

"What's the problem?" Kaitana asked, "You still haven't figured it out?"

Walter leaned in to Kamina's neck. "If you give it to me, I could help you."

"Um I'd rather not take hellp from a guy who is kind of creepy like you. Youu're even creepier than that Alucard dude, who isn't that ceepy at all."

Suddenly, they were encountered by the Aktatski from Naruto! Well actualyl just half of them, since this was still in the past. Those were Itachi, Pain, Kisame, Zetsu, and Orochimary.

"Hand over the you" Orichimary said, "Because I need your body. For experiment ation."

"The me?" Alucard asked.

"What other vessel be I looking at? I'm trying to live forever. It's not easy you know."

"There be no such thing as immortality. Now... UNLEESH HECK!"

He charged at Orochimaru, and then shot at him with some regular guns since he did not currently yet have the jackel yet.

"Hm..." Itachi said, as Alucard ate a laughing Orochimary. "Interesting."

"STOP LAUGHING YOU'RE MAKING THIS HARD FOR ME, AND ALSO VERY DISTURBINBG!"

Orochimaru extended his tongue and licked Denise on the face before Alucard finished eating him. Denise added, "Ew. And to think I was married too."

Alucard was doing kung-fu anime kicks on the other three members, then Itachi said., "STOP." and Alucard looked over at him.

"You have proven yourself an intersting enemy. Now, I will try to do the same to you."

"WHO IS THIS MUG?" Kamina asked. "I thought we were to kill the Hitler Revival Groups! The Flood!"

Zetsu teleported away.

"Yeah," Alucar dadded, "Who are you?"

"My name is but Itachi Uchiha. I killed the Uchiha, but it was for a good reason so I don't really belong here."

"Why should I care? You know what the H in Hitler Revival Group stands for , right?"

"Yes. I. Do. Sadly."

Alucard shugged him off, until.

"WAIT!" Denise said, "Maybe we should see if there is more to him!"

"I Agree with my wife!" Kaitana added.

"What." Integra said.

"Urgh, no." Alucard said, "Integra warned me not to get attatched to the Hiter Revival Group memebrs shortly after we finished off the Don. And you are doing that. Don't be foolwed by their bishonen looks. I'm not saying all bishons are bad, because that means you to attack me."

Then Kisame jumped over to Alucard, and started trying to hacka t him. "WHAT DO YOU WANT ANYWAY, MATE?" He asked, with him swinging and Alucard casually dodging his moves.

"I want to end all HRGs. But the primary goal is to find this guy named Kenny. He escaped."

"We have a lkead that he tagged with you guys." Integra said.

"Yeah. Well. We kicked him off for being a nerd, and now he's pissed and starting what we call an HRG Civil War." Kisama said, Alucard barely missing his swing.

"Huh? They can do that? I thought they always looked out for eachother. Like brothers."

"No. Not at all." Pain acepalmed. "We get into battles a lot, and most of the time, other HRGs don't even bother to take sides, since HRG s are very competetive with eachother. I naddition though, the Overseer is the one to cut off all of our supplies, to at least discourage us from fighting. Speaking of whih, we already have the enemy in his HRG the Subspace Army, we don't need you. Vampire. And yes, thanks to Zetsu spying lately we got to find out all about you."

So then he threw a giant HRG-style holy nuke at him! The njuke was huge, and thankfully he teleported him off into a section in the desert, but Alucard survived! When the dust cleared, it turned out that he has his plant-arm wrapped around him in a little dome!

"HA HA!" He cried, "MY PLANT-ARM STRIKES YET AGAIN1"

And then he shot Pain, and Pain was dead and eaten. Kisame was a bit unnerved.

"OH CRAP HE'S GOING TO ALSO KILL ME NEXT!" And hid behind Itachi. Which is stupid since Itachi is smaller than him.

"That's fine, because Itachi is the one who is next!" He shouted, dashing towards Itachi-

But then Denise and Kaitana jumpede in front and stood in front of him with their arms out!

"DON'T HURT HIM! HE'S CLEARLY A SECRET HERO OR SOEMTHING!" Kaitana shouted.

"Urgh. What is his power, mind control?" And then rimshot, since I'm still making fun of the Homestuck control.

"Yes, kind of, that's what makes him more depth!" Kisame said, getting out of his hiding position.

Then suddenly, airships! Starting with the Halbird, and there were SMB3 ships floating around.

"That's why." Itachi said.

"Why what?" Alucard sneered.

"Why we must have to team up. I'm sorry, I thought Kisame would suggest, then you would ask why."

"I can beat them. WATCH THIS!"

Alucard ran first, then Kamina was by his side, then they were angrily pushing on eachother rivalry while their faces were really close, until Kamina got a nervous face and jumped to the side, and since Alucard was leaning on eachother, he fell too.

"Why are that happened?" Alucard asked.

"Because back in the demo run, Lex- uh... nevermind."

Then it shot cannonballs, that took out Kisame!

"NOOOO!" Itachi shouted, "HECKSINGS JOIN ME!"

Kamina growled at him, and barked a few times thinking it was badass but more like dumbass. But then Itachi stole the light bee for Cotana, tweaked it up a bit, and tossed it. Cortana was back and blue not red!

"WOW! Thank you for saving me, something even Kamina couldn't do!" She cheered.

"NOOOOO!" Alucard shouted, adding an extra O because to try to outdo Itachi. "Cortana, you were supposed to be the smart one!"

Then Itachi teleported them to the Halberd, after Alcuard added Kisame to his familiar collection!

"ARGH I COULD HAVE JUST FLIED!" Alucard yelled.

"YES, AND I HAVE GURREN LAGANN! PLUS AS A SPARTAIN I COULD FIGURE OUT THE TECHNOLOGY FOR CORTANA TOO1"

Then he float-charged his way into the Helbert. Meanwhile, Integra cast glares at the mermaids and Cortana.

"I am heavily looking at and judging you."

"Yeah." Rip added, who by the way was wearing kind of small shorts and a short tank? top, like Samus's Metroid Zero Mission clearing outfits, assuming I have the right game. Oh! SSB4! Her bonus palette when Zero Suit! Again, the costume was white.

Anyway, now that they were eight (again or not I'm not sure), they ran in, to see Kenny holding Itachi hostage!

"HALT in the name of my new group! The subspace army, captained purely by me!"

"Actually," Ganon walked in, and not Gannondorf the human Ganon the pig. "Stop taking credit. It is I who is the leader, you are the only other smart member and the suppordinate."

Alucard laugh. "Do I look like I give a darn if you kill him?"

"NO, BUT WE DO!" Denise shouted, "Kaitana! Let's go!"

They made streams of water and started flowing foreward, and Cortana also charged at them, while Alucard adn Kamina sat there.

"Er... I hate Itachi too, but I think you should probably stop them from screwing it up." Integra said, playing around with her cigar. Then she herself ran out to help them. "EVERYONE! I'M COMING!"

Then Ganon used a dark blast, blasting all of Hecksing back! And laughed.

"DO YOU FOOLS THINK THAT YOU CAN POWER ME OVER? I AM THE TRIFORCE OF POWER!"

"This civil war will not end well for the Akatsuki member!" Kenny shouted, "Shame, seeing his paycheck will be ended by his own job."

Rip and Walter perked up. "Paycheck?" They both asked at the same time.

"Oh yeah, each HRG manages to get one millin a week. Of course, if you get caught as an HRG, it's almost useless or you have to disguise."

Walter turned to Integra. "I'm going to... uh... tyr a sneak attack." And then ran off in another direction.

"AH!" Laughed Ganon, "Your sneakattacks, will not work on me! GO PIRAMIDS!"

And then the shadow bugs from the tanks above (that I forgot about mentioning) started grouping together to form Piramids! They looked kind of like Pikmin, except not really at all so that was a dumb comparson.

Then the Prymids took over the rest of Hecksing hostage, and they were being lifted to another rooom! It was a big room, wide and open!

* * *

**(The Room)**

This was not good as Ganon laughed once more, throwing around some switches. "Now, prepare to get mauled by... THE DUON!" Kenny was still holding Itachi at gun point.

Then the priamids started turning back into shadow bugs, and grouped together to form a big half-pink, half-blue monster! With guns and sword!

"NOW DUON!" Ganon cried, "YOU DUMB BEAST! FINISH THEM OFF LIKE THE MINDLESS BRUTE YOU ARE!"

"HAY!" He shouted, "I DO NOT CARE FOR BEING CALLED BRAINLESS! I HAVE SENTENCE, YOU KNOW!"

"Uh oh." Canon said.

"What?" Asked Kenny.

"That is not supposed to happen. HE IS BECOMING A SMARTARSE!" And he said arse instead of ass because he's British.

Then Duon used his blue side's sword to stab at the room, and then everything fell down! Then, he leaked his own shadow bugs, and to have some original characters (if with ties to the Super Smahs Bros but then again don't these guys have Hellsing ties anyway? The other origianl characters?). Blueon and Pinkon. The former is a snarky asshole woman with long anime hair and the latter is a snarky, visious man with spikey anime hair.

While falling, Kenny briefly stopped the gun, swam over to Rip, and punchedher.

"Tel me where your anti-familiaration machine is!"

"What? Why?"

"I need to toss Alucard in there! And get Haxxor back! Soince he knows the code to this bank we where planning to rob, and Ganon can't really do it."

"Never! It's bad enough that the 100 Daughters are all loose!"

"Oh... speaking of them, tell me where the AFM is, and I will give away their location! I only teammated up with them and Ganon, to try to blow open that damn safe. Too bad it's still unbreakable.."

"BREAK THEB UNBREAKABLE!" Kamina shouted, in freefall.

Then they landed by Duon High School, something he leaked Shadow Bugs to in order to create while they weren't looking! It was a high school AU parotyd that they all fell in! But before that happened, Walter asked Ganon, "How can I join one of this HRGs?"

"Just talk over to one leader. No need to confront the Overseer himself unless you want to lead one, which needs some tests from him. But with an HRG itself, just their own leader and their tests."

"Let me in then. I want to get paid. And do evil things. But still also get paid in Hecksing in secret."

"Soryr, one of my tests is that you have to be an expert with airships, and you seem like an idiot on my hunch."

"N-No I'm not! I can... argh,"

CRASH! Into Duon High School.

* * *

Alucard walked the halls kind of scared. Also, not just because this high school breaked him out, but because he was also kicked out of this country by Bro, and scaared of him. Then, suddenly, Itachi the popular guy was standing at the edge of the hall! And Denise, Kaitana, Cortana, and now the new Walter were aligning to defend him!

"No don't." They said in monotone. "Itachi is great."

"CAN'T YOU SEE THIS IS JUST BIAS!" Alucard asked. "SOMEONE, SUPPORT ME!"

Then, Integra walked in! And Rip! And Kamina! They all glared down their opposing group.

"We have your back, Alucard." They said. "This popular kid will be shown as just a fad!"

"We're not tryng to kill you!" Cortana said, "We just want to let you let Itachi live. He's kind of like Jesus."

Itachi ran up to Alucard, and then they prepared for the showdown, then-

The spot where Alucard's plant-arm is started to hurt a lot. He got on one knee. Sneering at the injury he was giving Alucard, Kamian got out a sword, Integra a gun, and Rip a musket! And tried shooting or slashing at him, but he kept using his OP speed to outdodge them! And also, Kaitana, Denise, Cortana, and Walter kept trying to block them!

Then, Alucard was lying on his back, his plant arm suddenly Sprung up into a tree, and then it bloomed a lot of flowers that died! The treee wood broke off and his regular arm was back in the form of honey, that turned to blood, that turned to regular! No plant curse!

Everyone stopped. Itachi stared, smirking with his sharingan. He used his sharingant o do that!

"I used my sharingan powers."

"...Cool. Mabey you aren't that bad." Alucar dsaid.

"WHAT?" Kamina asked. "YOU FUCKING LITTLE..."

"No!" Integra cried. "Alucard, I order you to kill him! Search and destroy!"

"Heh." Rip smirked. "An interesting twist."

Then Itachi took some steps closer to Alucard. "I also have a gift, to further convince you of my awesomeness."

It was the Jackel! Nodding, Alucard reached up for it, and...

Quickly impaled him through the chest with i,t and kicked him in the groin, and drew the gun out to shooot him in the head and eat him.

"You see now?" He said. "I played him."

Then the four who supported him went back to nomerla. Except Walter, he was faking it to get more info from Itachi on HRG.s

"Well now what." Integra asked.

"Zetsu!" Kamina cried.

"Ganon?" Denise suggested.

"Duon, Blueon, and Pinkon?" Kaitana suggested.

"Um, I believe Kenny is under a higher priority than the rest of them." Rip added.

Then they barged into the princible's office. It was Duon, signing fake papers since thisw as a fake school!

"Die dualitiy bitch." Alucard said. Testing out his new gun with the first kill. Sadly sicne he was just shadow bugs he could not eat him. But the school remainded thanks to his two minions!

"Where should we look next?" Alucard asked.

"The gym." Integra suggested.

So they went there, and Blueon and Pinkon were trying to train by climbing ropes!

"What is it, asshat?" Asked Pinkon. He then shot several energy blasts at the gang, while Blueon jumped over and began cutting at them!

"We can't do it!" Shouted Integra, "They too fast!"

"Well we killed their maker," Alucard said, "Then we could-"

"YOU KILLED OUR MAKER?" Blueon asked, before she got more of an asshole and started using her swords on chalkboards, while Pinkon got more fviscious and started shooting more at them! Which broke up a lot of the school! There was a lot of dust!

"ALSO," Pinkon added, "YOU ARE BREAK THE SCHOOL DRESS CODE!"

Then Rip just sort of used her bullets on them. And everyone looked at her..

"Hrm, if you could do that the whole time," Integra said, "Why not how did you not just do that back in the ship?"

Rip giggled. "I'm sorry, the things that slip my mind sometimes..."

But then there was rumbling. It was Ganon!

"Dammit!" He shouted, "I'm not letting my army fall since Bowser isn't an official part of it! Now, prepare to die!" He started chasing them down the gym, and we saw an overhead view of them running around the laps in gym.

"NOOOO!" Shouted Walter, "I'M NOT AS ATHELTIC AS YOU GUYS!"

"Did you ever try running when you spend most of your life with mermaid fish tails, and only in rare occasions like now turn them to legs?" Kaitana asked, "BECAUSE THAT IS MY LIFE DAMMIT!"

Walter tripped, and it seemed to be the end! But then Ganon tripped, landed on top of him, and whispered in his ear, "But if you really want to join an HRG, I heard there's two new guys who will be moving into the cave next to Akatsuke's. Just don't be dicks like them and we have to declair HRG civil war on them. And get Bowser in your group, Like I planned."

Walter nodded, as Alucard shot Ganon in the forehead and ran over to eat him.

"Well that was a dumb death." Said Integra.

"Hmm..." Walter rubbed his chin, "It was a noble sacrifice..." _seeing what I now have info to add to being an HRG, and what I'll do is far worse than the Ganon guy did.._ was his thoughts.

"How was that a sacrifice?" Cortana asked him. "I ran thorugh all possible calculations and there didn't seem loike a sacrifice here."

"Um... he tripped on purpose to I guess because he thought Zetsu would come over here while you were distracted? And I knew this because... my jutsu."

He waited. Then, after about a twenty seconds, several White Zetsu clones came in and filled the room! They merged through the walls!

"HA HA!" The original shouted, "NOW THIS IS YOUR DEATH MARK!"

Buyt then there was a huge explosion! On the wall, and a chunk of it hit and crushed White Zetsu, and since they original was dead, the other clones poofed away! The dust cleared, and it was Anderson again1! In a tank!

"Aigh't." He said, "You are idiots. Needing my help again."

"We did not need your help for fourty years." Said Integra. "Speaking of which, shouldn'yt you be fourty older? I have stasis, what's your excuse?"

"I'm a regenerator. Anyway, wait, wasn't there a Black half too? The bloody bastard he split!"

Then, Black Zetsu came from behind him, and punched him, and threw him out of the tank. Grand Theft Auto!

"I will officially make sure that you, Hecksing, will die a graphic death in the name of my maker, Kaguya. I think."

"And who is that?"

"Some weird woman who wants to be a god." He sighed. "I hate my job sometimes."

Then he drove off, and since the school's lost a wall, it started falling over, then became the shadow bugs, and they scurried away.

Anderson, still lying on what is now the grass, looked up. "SHIT!" He cried, running after the tank.

Meanwhile, Kenny was on what was a shitter before the bugs disperced. But then he was reading a newspaper with his pants down now, and looked at the team embarassingly.

"Black Zetsu!" He cried. "IO change my mind, O would rather join your group!"

Then that made Zetsu drive back, and look at him with his creepy yellow eye. "No. Stop switching sides. And plus, you are not worthy of-"

Then Hecksing took advantage of that! or, at least they TRIED to, with Alucard and Kamina both shouting, "I WANT THAT TANK!" and running to it (meanwhile, Rip for once was an eater, of White Zetsu, ironic seeing Zetsu's cannibis origins). However, they both jumped at it from different angles, and hit eachother in the sky, and fell to the ground, or rather inside the tank itself. Kenny and Anderson also jumped in, and the five were fighting for tank rights inside.

"I SAW IT FIRST!" Kamina shouted. "A MAN MUST BE INTITLED TO THAT SWEET TANK!"

"NO TECHINCALLY RIP MIGHT HAVE SEEN IT FIRST SHE HAS GOOD VISION APPAEARNTLY!"

"SHE HAS GLASSES!"

"EVERYONE!" Anderson shouted, getting out his swords. "The tank was MY property! _I'm_ the get it! And Kamainaa and Alucard, may I remind you that I am not quite on your side in particular..."

They shivered, but then Kenny stood up and pressed the gas petal! The tank started driving off, and flung off the grand canyon! Alucard, Kamina, Kenny, and Black Zetsu all screamed until Anderson ran up and hit the rocket bososters!

"This has rockets, by the way," And then they started flying off! Towards the sky.

"Well. Shoot." Integra said, looking at the scene from afar. "I guess this is the done then."

"Kenny's my only lead on the Daughters..." Rip clutched her fist. "Dammit, Alucard, Kamina... don't mess this up."

"Well, he was our ride here, what with turning into a bird and all. Let's call a taxi."

Rip giggled. "I heard that getting arrested in the States is a fast way to London! The cops there are suffereing from so many budget cuts, that they have to use English court rooms instead!"

"No, taxis are just fine."

Walter scratched the back of his head. "Hey, um, I just remembered that I forgot something back in the canyon."

* * *

In the pit of the canyon, the 90's Doctor and Major (they look the same but with dumb messy hairstyles) were just moving their boxes in.

"Well, no shitty neighbors." Major laughed. "Since the Aasuki is now dead."

"Yes, indeed." Dcotor also laughed.

"BUT THERE IS A CHANCE OF SHITTY ROOMMATES!" Walter cried, sliding in like Kramer. Then Siendfeld music began playing! "CAN I JOIN YOUR GROUP!"

* * *

**(London)**

They flew back there, but on their way broke a hydrant of fire that cuased a lot of water to shoot out. That explains Alucard's water hydrant in HUC. The one he uses to launch the tank in the air. Anyway, speaking of the air, that's where the tank flew around until it crashed in Integra's manor. Everyone stopped fighting and looked with wide-eyes.

"Oops." Alucard said.

"Shit." Kamina added. "Integra's gonna kill us."

"I do not see what the worry is," Said Kenny, "Since Integra is already going to kill me. And you two are to kill me, too. At least, supposed. Goodbye,losers."

With their panic, Kenny grabbed the wheel and flew further, then turned the tank upside down and everyone but him flew off, and they watched with blank stares as he flew into the sunset.

"The tank..." Kamina said, sad, "It was such a beutry..."

"I agree. I think that is the only thing was can agree on."

Then in the background, Anderson was chasing around Black Zetsu! Shouting "JESUS!" and shooting Jesus beams from his swords, trying to take him out!

"Well, we may have differnt ways of figthing badguys, but after that, I think we can all agree that we share the same taste in vehicle.s" Alucard said.

Kamina laughed. "Okay! The same taste in that! I will judge a man not be the redneckness of his gun, but by the contents, of what car he drives! Or a woman for that matter, since I am less sexist than my canon self."

Then they put arm around shoulders and laughed it off, but what wasn't as funny was in the background, where Black Zetsu tripped and Anderson would have finished him off, but her offered, "WAIT!"

"What?"

"What if we make a deal? I could give you a lot, and under the new HRG too. A milliuon a week if you work with me! And all the power, I'll give you!"

"Um... no!"

"I can help you take down the vampires! You know, Jesus power."

"Ok themmm. But a compromise! I have to be the leader!"

"Yeah, sure, Akaski was dead anyway I'm the last one, this might as well be registered under a new HRG. Now, let's teleport to a more secluded location to talk about it."

Then hr grabbed Anderson's leg and used plant teleport to go somewhere else. But back in the foreground, Alucard and Kamina still laughed, until a delorian time traveled in the air, and fell into Alucard and knocked him over.

"Oh. Right." Kamina said, "I forgot. It's 1090 now. The car's here. Hey, but that means I get my sweet Sparta gear back! and can tune up the time travel to fix it better! Sorry Al! That was an accident!"

"Don't call me Al. I think that might be like if I called you Bro, from I heard last chapter when I was talking about my Bro."

Kamina shuddered. "So did Lex make you think of seeing you kiss me too, and I called you Al?"

"What?"

* * *

**Closing AN:**

Well, I think I broke a record in chapter rush-ness. Explaining the length. That's the real reason why half of the Akatsuki are left out: time constraints. I couldn't think of how to shove in the whole group, since I have pretty much only one day from everything after Walter's suggestion to help repair Cortana. Maybe I'll edit it a bit, and add the other half? And they, in general, will live longer? Or actually, I could change up the _whole_ thing, so that the villains die in a different order, and Blueon and Pinkon (along with actually original characters) could get more of the focus? All of this, because while 4 is my favorite chapter of this, this one is by _**far**_ the least as it stands.

"Arse instead of ass" was a legit spelling error... sort of, that I chose to keep in, and just tack on the joke.

Between Blueon and Pinkon, which one was the asshole woman and which was the evil man was originally going to be switch. Blue guy, pink girl. But... that's kind of a cliche.


	6. The Done

**Hecksing: The Dawn**

**Chapter 6: The Done**

* * *

It was the fresh 2000 now! Alucard had of cousse recovered from the Delorian that hit him, and Integra was being very analyitcal over to find the location of that death-evading Kenny (no relations to the South Park who keeps avoid death**(A)**).

"I think I found one!" She announced, "And this time it's for real and not a misleading! Be careful, he is stronger now, and guarded with 100 Daughters, who are also gotten stronger and can't be beat easily."

"So where are they at?" Alucard asked.

"The perfect hiding sopot. Underneth a DMV."

"Ew why would they hide there?"

"You answered you own question as of "ew". They picked that because who would want to investigate a DMV?"

""Excuse me dear Master, Walter asked, "But how you you know that they are really there? The last time we followed one of our 'leads' it just led us to a construction site and we accidentally re-created Tom and Jerry episodes."

Denis and Kaitana frowned, rubbing still-sore spots on their cheeks since that happened yesterday.

"That is because I have a new invention of heat-vision. Not like Superman who can melt through stuff, but see things based on their heat. Because floors are cold, they were see-through. Now, I saw one hundred and one figures in a cave there, and I looked around through a lot of the United Kingdoms of London and found no such thing. Plus, 100 of them were giving off the vampire signals, and either way that's still a pretty big eyebrow raiser. And if they're good, hey, we can have a 100 allies."

"Pfft. That's nothing!" Kamina said, "My old Spartain squad have three hundred-"

"THIS. IS. SPARTA." Alucard joked.

"-AND SIXTY ONE people in it, counting me! But... sniff, not counting Yoko now that she's dead... oh god we're nearing the time period where she's alive and I can't take it. Also, for the last time Alucard, My Sparta is different from Old Sparta."

"Yes," Added Walter, "And I hear that this newly-forming Millennium has a thousand mere mooks, although only three main members."

Integra perked up. "But who is this Millenium we should look them up?"

"Um I mispoke. I meant the Century. But they're not forming officially until early 2011. Based on info I got from hacking into one of Kenny's wbesites."

"You hacked inot his website?" Integra also asked.

"Uh the website is gone and I was distracted by the Centurey thing and when I went back to the wheabouts of himself page he had already discovered me and deleted the whole page. They say you can't take anything off the internet. Bulllshit."

Alucard got an angry face. "Yes, I agree. Like that illegal download of _Spongebob._ Stupid copyright police."

"HEY!" Kamina shouted, "YOU PIRATE THINGS! THAT'S ALLEGAL! SPARTA WILL NOT TOLORATE THAT AND NEITHER WILL I!"

Kamina rammed his face right next to Alucard's and gave him a Police Glare. Alucard ignored this.

"Any leads on the black guy?"

"...I thought I explained this in the memo. We gave up looking for Zetsu after my new guard dog, bloodhound (get it blood like Hellsng?), ended up attacking a random sunflower that happened to cost three million dollars. The sunflower was alive, but the showcaser was so pissed off that now I can't afford my cool hottub. Yet, anywya."

* * *

**(Anderson and Zetsu)**

"AIGHT." Anderson shouted, "I have completed your ten-year training from hell. Now what?"

Zetsu handed out a Bible.

"When you swear on this, it will give you bible powers. Now that you have completeed the task, it is possible that it can give you it. B ut it's not up to me, or you. It's up to the Lord."

He put a hand on it. "I solomy swear-"

"Not like that."

"Then how do I?"

"What else does swear mean? It's 2000 now, so it's legal to do it in public."

"Oh I got it."

Then he leaned into the Bible and shouted "FUCK YOU" and it started glowing. Then Anderson started glowing! But to foreshadow that this was no God, it was not Jesus quotes but weird symbols!

"A HAHA HA HA HA!" He shouted, "NOW I MAY HOLY FEAST MY REVENGE ON THE HECKSINGS! I AM THE BETTER RIVAL AFTER ALL!"

Then he looked to Zetsu. "Say, what ar eyou?"

He laughed. "UI'll give you a hint. Kaguya was really dead in the 30s, the Overseer killed him. I may or may not be an ally." Then he teleported away. "Anyway, my stuff here is done."

Anderson ran outside of the abandoned werehouse he was hiding in, and the architecture outside revealed he was in Russia now.

"Now my life will be for the better!"

Then Flanders drove up to him!

"Google Doogle!" He said, "You look like you are in the need of some help. Because you look like a hobo who has been working out for ten years, and only showed occasionally."

"Ok."

Then he got into passenger seat. BUT GOT A GUN HANDED AT HIM!

"Halt! I am really a leader of the one-man partner organization to Hecksing! Heavensing! And I have been informed that you are an anti hero-y dero-y! Didn't you learn not to drive around with strangers?"

"But I am an adult :("

Then Flanders drove until they got to a Red Light, during which a cop pulled by them and saw Flanders with the gun.

"Oh, it's okay wokay." He gave that smile from the camera episode. "I'm allied with Hecksing."

The cops knew abut Hecksing. Not the citizens yet. "Okay." And then drove off.

* * *

**(London)**

"STOP RIGHT THERE!" Integra yelled, breaking into the hidden base of Kenny and the Daughters! "AND JUST TO LET YOU KNOW THAT ALUCARD, HE'S AT THE POINT WHERE HE CAN PROBABLY SLAUGHTER ALL OF YOU INSTANTLY."

Then Zetsu merged in through the walls, and was deciding to have a talk to Rip. He whispered.

"Okay I think I have everything set up for your hiring too."

"OH MY GOD ZETUS! YOU WILL DIE!" Alucard cried, running over to him and eating him. He's out fo the story now, thank God.

But then Kenny hit a switch! The doors closed in on them, and they were holy doors, which kept Alucard outside!

"BWAH HA HA HA HA!" kenny yelled, "THAT TRAP WAS AN ACCIDENT, BUT OIT WORKED! NOW YOU NO LONGER HAVE THAT POWERHOUSE TO DEFEND YOU!"

Then he and the guagters retreated into his secret base, and Hecksing struggled to run after this HRG now-named... THE FINISHERS! Since they will FINISH Hecksing! Running after them revealed... a hot spring?

"We're all of-age by this point in the story, so we can all just go naked." Walter said. Too bad he was getting old at this point, so his oldness was visible and it squicked everyone out, except for Denise and Katana because they are more respoectful.

"EW!" Kamina shouted, "THANK GOD ALUCARD ISN'T HERE, OR I WILL HAVE FLASHBACKS TO THT PART WITH THE HALLUCINATION LEX LUTHOR!"

So they started swimmming around, and it was going swimmingly, and Kamina was enjoying himself since he was right between Cortana, Denise, Rip, and Integra, but Kaitana was sticking behind Denise like an idiot and Walter was sitting by the sides stretching out. Showing his old man bits.

Then suddenly, Kenny appeared! And he was in the buff too!

"Aw, none of the Daughters?" Kamina asked.

"They are Hidan under water. But now I have being a trap to-"

He was cut off when Integra shot him,. She looked at the rest of Hecksing.

"I don't undersatnd why you didn't try that before." She said. "Especially you, Kamina, since you were in the damn tank with him. Now we can put our clothes back and leave."

"But the Daughters!" Rip cried, before thinking it over. "Hm... yeah, you are right, maybe they are not so much of a priority compared to what you have on mine."

"WHAT?" Kaminaa yelled. "COME ON, WE NEED TO FIND THEM! AND I'M NOT SAYINNG THAT BECAUSE THEY MIGHT BE IN SEXY SAUNA OUTFITS, I AM SAYING THAT BECAUSE THEY ARE VILLAINS THAT WE NEED TO JUSTICE BEFORE THEY DO SOMETHING BAD! WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM? Also aren't we technically trapped here by the holy door that keeps alucard out so it might be keeping us in?"

Integra swam back to the shore, but then found they were missing! The clothes that was. Then, five of them dove up from the water and started straining Integra!

"Move and you die." Said numbe r72. Um yeah, I'm still not naming like 100 fucking characters, I didn't even do that in _Housestuck Hurrcain Crconikals_ since half of them are Hussie's names and the other half is milld alteratons.

"Hey! Let her go!" Kamina yelled, trying to ignore how sexy the six of them looked right now.

* * *

**(Outside)**

"LET ME IN. LET ME IN." Alucard banged his fist on the door at each word he said.

Then, Flanders drove up to him!

"Oh thank Good you're here. I have this door problem, you jnow the hole stuff, can you open it?"

"Can doodily!" He said, gunning Anderson to get out of the car and walk becides him. He was about to make a handsigns (with one hand to keep the other on gun) and dispell the Jesus chakra when suddenly...

"Hey why anm I scared of a gun I just remembered I can survive these things."

Then he smacked the gun out of Flander's hands! And threw the Bible at Alucard!

"Well call me damndily damned!" Flanders said.

"Flanders you are gettting annoying with your Catholic accent."

"Am not Cathloic, I am a Methodist. Stop being sucha racist. And my accident is annoying though, I'l lgive you credit for that."

"Am sorry. My absuvive older brother had a bad accent and now when I heard a bad accient, I think of getting punched across the ocean. But it also makes me think of ocean. Mmmm... the salty sea breeze, the boats, and you can pee in the water and it won't get you kiced out like in swimming ppools. Um, that happened when I was a kid."

"THAT WILL BE NICE EXCEPT THAT FOR THE FACT I AM STILL ATTEMPTING TO KILL YOU!" Anderson shouted, then he whistled! And inside the base (not the sauna part, the base part,) the buried tank was his religion overrode Kenny's hacking hijacking and suddenly the tank started flying over towards Anderson with its rocket boosters! It broke through the hoyl door, and kncoked Alucard and Flanders on their stomachs, and it flew and turned around and Anderson jumped in it.

"AH!" He laughed, "This is MY tank!"

Then Alucard frowned. "I KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING flanders got on my soldiers1"

And he did, and they chased like Benny Hill, around London.

* * *

**(Sauna)**

The other daughters had cinced emerged and were trying to gunfire at Hecksing! (IOntegra managed to break from it with badass Kung-fu), and so they were splashing around to try to fight back. Then, suddenly, 360 Master Chief-like uniforms came from the water!

"Kamina, is this your time travel at work?" Integra asked. I forgot to mention that, yes, he was wearing his Master Chief near the beginning of this chapter since he got it back, and not the usual pants. But he's took them off to go swimming for convenientce.

"Umm no. If it was my past selves, I would have remembered it, and if it was my future selves, then THIS WOULD HAVE ALREADY HAPPENED!"

One of them took off her helmet. It was a weird red-skinned woman with horns.

"Hi Kamina." She said. "We got a tip from Boota that wyou would going to be here, so we all set up a trap in advance, before they could make it to the sauna. By the way, there is another exit."

"HEY!" Kamina cheered, "THAT'S MY SQUAD!"

"Unfortunately, we need to remove this gear to make it easier to navigate in the water. One of the why this took us so long to emerge."

"But NONE of us have on anything underneath! We'll be nude!" Shouted a blue-skinned one, again helmet removal.

"Hey." Kamina said, angry. "Welcome to my world then."

Then they undressed. By the way, their colors were like this: Go to Wikiepedia "RGB Color Model." Scroll to that picture of the cicling color wheel. Click it, go to the "more into on Commons." See the 360-color version. There is an woman Spartan each with a color of each slice color. Okay now that that stupidity is out of the way, it's time for a scener break.

* * *

**(London Streets)**

"OH GOD NO!" Flanders shouted, as Alucard was still running.

"OH SATAN NO!" Alucard joked. But he was not a real staanist, because those guys are weirdo ritualists and from what I heard they are pretty sexist against women and only uses them for the sexy purposes.

* * *

**(Sauna)**

Now both the 100 Daughters, the 360 Spartan women on Kamina's squad, and all of Hecksing except Alucard was naked and trying to wrestle at one-another. Kamina enjoyed the site very much, even not minding the Walter's bits and that Kaitana was there too. Especilaly because of Integra, Rip, Denise, and Cortaana out to help this up.

"OH MAN DO I LIKE BTHIS!" He cried, "460 beutiful naked women, in a hot tub, and I'm with them too!" He was being a fighter and not just oggling since he was trying to hold on to 59's neck.

"Theere's 464 women!" Integra clarified.

"No, you lose one point for Kaitana. And... Walter's so old it's three points. I count the tally like this: A women adds a point, a man or kid takes one away, and old people take away three because they are too old. And ponies take away 30. Fuck them."

As he was oggling around and getting caught up, he then looked over to Kaitana.

"HEY! How come you're not feeling... you know, also akward at the same time? Is it since you're married?"

"No I just don't really care abou t beuttry. I married my wife because of her personality. That's why she married me, since we go so close toegether."

"Tell me about it! When I first met you I thought you were brother and sister, since you look alike and you're both dumbasses!"

"You're a dumbass too going out in the snow without a shirt."

The Don's daughter he was trying to hold onto broke from his grasp, so he dove around finding something else to grab on, but that was osmeone's butt.

"Ooops! I'm sorry! Taht was an accident!" He waved his arms around, "Even if you are the enemy! THE REPUTATION OF TEAM GURREN DOES NOT GROPE! Even if it's kind of a nice butt if I say so myself."

"Thanks but no thanks." It was Walter! "I only date girls." Then, like in the animes, we saw a black screen as Kamina was floating down in a spiral-like look towards the censer, and his thoughts were there:

_I can't believe I called a 59-year old man having a nice ass..._ and exploded when he hit the center. But this was just an illusion to show how bad he feels about this.

Then everyone heard a voice most of them didn't warnt to hear. Alucard! "HEY WHY CAN'T I JUST RUN INSIDE!" And then his footsteps, and then he was running towards the hotsprings, then stopped himself and skidded to a halt.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING NAKEDING IN HERE WHILE I AM CLEARLY IN A SERIOUS, PROFESSIONAL MISSION?" He asked. "Except for you, Integra, you can be as naked as you want."

Then they both heard something. "Checkmate, mates."

It was Anderson behind them! But they should have figured that since before they heard a wall breaking down. He was still in the tank, and laughed at them evilly.

"GIVE UP, HECKSING!" He shouted. "YOU ARE NO MATCH!"

The Red-skinned Spartans (and yes all of them but Kamina also have horns and cute devil-like tails) smiled at Kamina. "Kamina."

"Yes Jenkins?"

"We re-moved Gurren and Lagann under the water too, so you can final mission."

"Oh." Cortana said, "So that's what that energy detection I found under water was. Not Jaws the Shark."

Kamina smiled as well and dove underneath, then swam inside Gurren'as mouth while Cortana went into Lagann. Thenn they sealed in, and combined.

"BREAK THROUGH IT ALL AND DO NOT STOP DOWN, THAT'S HOW TEAM GURREN ROLLS but not me or Spartans since I am more inclined to be logical." Cortana said.

"BLURP BLUPR BLURP BLURP BLPRU BLUPR BLURP BLRUP1" Kamina said, which meaned "WHO THE HELL DO YOU TBHINK I AM?" But he was underwater. Cortana, being a hologram, could still talk underwater.

Anderson laughed as Gurrene Lagann got the shades off (it was a huge hot springs everyone swam over to a safe spot.) and jammed it in his tankhole.

"DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT THIS CAN BEAT A TANK!" He yelled. "STOP PLAYING TRANSFORMERS FOR GIRSL!"

Then he fired a shot, which knocked the shades back!

"THE FIRING WAS ONLY A DECOY!" Kamina shouted, then Gurren's mouth emptied and water came out and so did Kamina, who leaped "I'M COMING FOR YOU TANKIEEEEE!" That was not a typo he called it Tankie but the ee was doubled because he was squeeing like a fangirl.

Then, Alucard noticed something. The tank was now aimed at his manhood!

"Oh, that's not cool. That's below the belt!"

"MOOOO!" He cried, jumping up in between them. But it was too late. He was hit by a Jesus Bomb, which Anderson loaded into the tank's turret instead of the normal shells.

Alucard was exploded by a blast of white light, which knocked Kamina back into the tub but at least it isn't as bad as him getting blown up. In the explosion, there was a tear of something from all of the Hecksing and even the Daughters. Except Rip, since she's a cold-hearted, emotionless assholee.

"That was the bravest didly-avest thing I've ever seen."

"Wow..." said 100, "It was one thing to get shot at to save that dude that is now old, but... he was a vampire, so of course he'll live. But in pain. This is life-risking."

Cortana got really mad. "EAT THSI! GIGA, DRILL-"

Then the shades boomeranged back and stabbede Gurren in the ass, and Gurren Lagann shut down and exploded, but all this did was cause a big wave. Anyway, all that was left of Alucard was a hand.

"Wow..." Kamina said. "He gave his life so I could have the tank. I'm sure I would not do the same to him. If he was still alive, then I would let him have that tank, but instead."

Then Integra shook her head. "He is alive from all the vampire powers since his hand is still there, but don't act like that. Act like he's still dead and you are going into the tank to avenge him. Remember, only when all traces of him are gone is he the truth dead."

And to be told the hand was crawling like a spider into the tank. Kamina nodded, then jumped back out.

"HEY YOU CHICKEN! I BET YOU'RE NOT TOUGH ENOUGH FOR A ONE ON ONE FIHGT!"

"FUCK YA'." Anderson cried, "LIKE HELL AM I GONNA RISK THIS SWEET RIDE WHILE YOU JUMP IN! THAT IS A RETARD PLAN!"

"DOESBN'T THE BIBLE SAY SOMETHING ABOUT HAND TO HANDING? SOMETHING WITH THE STONE CASTING?"

There was a pause.

"Oh my Jesus you're right. The first ammendmant. Thou shalt not take away free speech. It was so much that it became the Bill of Rights. I will jump out now."

And as he did, he left the hatch open! (Of course he did, that's how he was to get back in) and got out a sword of his own!

"HA! You have no weapon now though, since your Halo gear was stolen, first by Kenny and now I used Jesus Magnet to take them all for me and destroyed them!"

Kamina laughed. "I have a aweapon and his name is... ALUCARD!"

Then Anderson turned around at the tank, and saw that Alucard's gloved hand was resting on it! It flipped himn off, then jumped in, clothing the hatch!

"NO!" He cried, then got in himself as the hand started to regenderate. He stabbed it, and then kicked it aside, and got back into piloting mode.

"GARSH!" He cried, and pushed another buttong! and tank launched a huge exploson that blasted away all of the water and propelled everyone inside outside that extra door thing the Spartan told about! They were blasted to a wall of the building on the opposite side of the street, where they piled together! "NOW YOU ARE HISTORY!" He shouted after driving the tank closer and about to give one final push of a button...

"UNLEESH HECK!" Alucarc cried, now fully healed and rushing at him! He then shot him a few times, then used his gun Itchia gave him the Jackel, and shot him in the face! Then Alucard threw him out in the middle of the street, where he was glared down by Flanders, Hecksing, the Spartans, and even the Daughters (I have to change their names it makes them sound like little girls when that is not the case). But Anderson laughed again. He whipped out a nail.

"THIS IS THE NAIL USED TO KILL JESUS! IF I PUT IT ON, I WILL BE INVINCIBLE!"

"Ew yo're not gonna get naked and wear it, are you by 'put it on'? Because there's more then anough naked people already." Alucard said from the tank.

Then he stabed himself in the heart with it. Alucard turned his head away from grossness and nearly barfed but then he realized he would ruin the tank so he hopped out and ran into an Apple store and barfed on the products.

"HEY!" Shouted Steven Jobs, "NO VOMITS WITHOUT PAY!"

"Relax," Alucard joked, "I was making them better."

Then a rimshot played, but Alucard got a serious face as he had to pay Steven Jobs so he teleported money to his hand.

But outside, Anderson was transforming into a giant plant monster! Alyucard ran back into the tank and started firing, but this didn't do anything!

"No!" Flanders cried, "Only ther power of Jesus can finish him off!"

"Oh. Protestant Jesus?"

"No, Catholic Jesus!"

"Well shoot then."

"I know! Fire me! I ma ybe a Methodist, but I can convert in a time of need! It's like that classpect inversion theory on _Homestuck!_"

Then Flanders ran into the tank.

"So..." Integra said. "We're all naked now. Everyone with clothes is either in the tank or a plant thing. This is akward."

And to add to the nudity, Denise and Kaitana were also in their full-human forms, with legs and everything. But then everybody was ensnared by the vines of Plantderson!

"Uh sorry no." Kamina said, "Tentacles are not my thing. I don't find this hot." Rimshot. But he got slapped by one.

"YOU FOOL!" Anderson cried, "THE POINT OF THIS ISN'T TO DO THAT TO YOU, IT'S TO KILL YOU."

"Oh. Well in that case. aaaaaahhhh."

* * *

**(Tank)**

"Fire me now!" Flanders said.

"No. It is too dangerous. I am afraid of your health."

"But Integra is otu there!"

"Integra is fine. SHe's awesome enough to fight her way through it."

Feeling the panic, Flanders waiting in time... and then... he came up with the idea... CLosing his eyes, he said:

"I hate _Futurama._ Both because I think it's objectively unfunny, and it's also evil and unchristian."

Alucard got pissed! So he slammed his hand on the button, and fired him out and he flew through the sky, and grabbed on the nail, and pulled it out while the force shot them both into the sky. Anderson turned back to nromal and Flanders grabbed his shoulders.

"NOW I HAVE YOU!"

"IN CONTRAST..." Anderso laughed, he grabbed Flander's hands, or tried to pry himself off anyway but Flanders was buffer than he loooked. "I HAVE YOU! MAYBE I CAN CONVINCE YOU TO EVIL LIKE IT SEEMS ALUCARD IS CONVINCING THE DAUGHTERS TO GOOD!" Then he made a Bible appear, and both of them turned into drawings that was sucked into the Bible, that flew away!

"Well," Alucard said, dusting his hands. "Job well done. Everything is back to normal."

Then there were people everywheere, looking at the naked people!

"THIS NUDITY IS UNBEARABLE TO ME!" Cortana said.

"Hey thought," said Kamina, "You're always naked. We had to censor bar you for the story since your designer, Lordgenome, was a pervert who wanted yo to always be naked and have, bits."

"Welp." Integra said, embarassed. "Hecksing, let's go back to the manor. And now it's a fancy manor."

"BUT FIRST..." Said Kamina, pulling a badge out of Cortana's lught bee. "100 DAUGHTERS! YOU HAVE OFFICIALLY BEEN ARRESTED BY SPARTACORP!"

I hope I am right about the following sentence. "Spartain policy is to arrent and not kill people that's why Kamina didn't kill." Jenkisn said. "So we must arrest them, and put them under our jail policy for ten years."

"BUT ALUCAD'S SACRIFICE WAS MADE US GOOD. :(" they all shouted.

"Yes, but you did bad things. Like work with the Don. And I don't know what you did afterwards with Kenny, but you probably killed some others too."

"We never killed! Just tried to kill Walter!"

"Yeah," Integra added, "And they're technically our business."

"Too late. Called dibs." Jenkins said.

"And I called badge!" Kamina grinned. "Integra, do you have a badge?"

Integra was about to check pockets but realised she was still naked. "Damn."

Jenkins then sneered at 1, first. "All of you will now be at slave-rank. You will follow the orders, and help us build stuff, for the ten years."

Kamina smirked at this. "Sounds kinky."

"Anyway, Integra said, we are definitely The Done."

But then a bus pulled up! The Daughters- WAIT FINISHERS, THAT'S THE NEW NAME and non-Kamina non-Cortana spartains teleported away to the central headquarters back in the future! And thanks to conserving energy to avoid global warming Kamina had to use his own teleported to teleport but he didn't have! (It's like the opposite of how carpooling works I guess.) Kamina, Cortana, Denise, and Kaitana all stepped on it.

"I am trip back to Sparta." Kamina said. "I'm sorry, but Yoko is about to be alive here, and I can't stand the thought of being that much near her. Or having to see my past self with her, knowing what will happen. And no, if you see or interact with your past self, that won't cause the world to explode. That's stupid shit. Anyway, the Yoko is that's why I am relocating, since ou past selves go to London and Sparta a lot."

"But the flood?" Cortana herself asked.

"I will got it. Don't worry. I just needed an organization without an Alucard."

"D:" Angry faced Alucard!

"Ha ha ha that was a final joke. Anyway, Cortana is going with me because- um..."

"Because there is more info and knowledge to the world than London. That doesn't have much. Especially with Alucard. He's an idiot, and I do not mean that as a joke."

"And what about you?" Integra asked the mermaids.

"Well," Said Denise, "We kind of want a break. You're too much for the missions, since we worked 30 years almost non-stop. We kind of want to kick back and check out this Sparta for now. We're sort of quitting, to get a new job, but we might check in and still fight HRGs."

"And the two of us are kind of quitting." Kamina said, then showing his ticket to the bus driver. "Four tickets to Sparta please!"

The bus closed, and drove off. Alucard got out of his tank, jumped down, and only saw Integra, Walter, and Rip there.

"Where did everybody go? I heard the Halos insulting me, but I missed it all else."

"Long story," Rip laughed, "But I will tell you were _I_ will go. You see, I too grow bored of your annoyances. So... I want to try out something new for a bit. Feel free to contact me again once Alucard is deceased! And trust me, I _know_ I will out live him. After all, he has well around six hundred years to get through to even tie with me should I somehow die on the spot! By the way, I have faith in the Spartans to keep them in containment!"

She teleported away.

* * *

**(I Could End it There but I want to do this thing too)**

**(Feb 1 2011)**

Integra was in her cool new, full manor like it is in the series. She flexed out her hands, and was also clothed by the way.

"Well, that was one hell of an event, exactly eleven yars ago." She said. "But it is good that we killed Kenny. And did those Daughter/Finisher women that Rip was so obsessant over."

Then, it was a dark red alert! It was like a red alter, but the alarm was blood red and caused a graphic of blood to rain down the walls (not really, it was just aporjection to show that THIS IS REAL SHIT!)

"OH NO!" Integra cried, "Dark red alert!"

Alucard and Walter slid into the open doorway. Pretty depressing now that they're down to three. And the guards, but they suck.

"We never had that before, right?" Walter said.

"No, meaning that Walter, you're not can't be in this mission, you're too valuable. Alucard, you go instead."

Alucard nodded.

* * *

**(London, for Once at Night)**

Alucard ran out to see Rip trying to take off a head of a statue of a newly electred president Quimby.

"HEY!" He shouted. Rip looked over at him. Then Alucard tilted his head to the side and got on his phone.

"Why is this code dark red? It just looks like a thief."

"YOU RETARD! IT'S NOT THE ACTION THEY'RE DOING, IT'S THE PERSON YOU ARE ABOUT TO FIGHT! RIP IS EXTREMELY POWERFUL!"

Rip shrugged. "I'm sorry, but I cannot accept Quimby as anything other than an idiot." She lept off the statue and flexxed her hands. "So, Vampire, do you want to battle me?"

"Um... yes. My nameis Alucard. We worked together for a period of time. Remember?"

"Honestly, no. I have a short attention span. That has nothing to do with my unsurpassable age, I had this trait since I was a little girl."

"OKAY LET'S FIGHT!"

He got out the Jackel and shot at her, but she just yawned and turned the bullets to go against him and starty chasing him around! He managed to outrun then, barely, ducked under and they exploded.

"You are making a large mistake." She said, "You have no idea what I am capable of doing."

"Oh, but I have power." He said. "Watch."

Then Superman music p[laed, he started flying over to Texas! Then he got into it, with all but his head, then giant shadow arms came from the east and west sides, and feet from the norrth (AN this is rightside up because in London their maps are upside down), and lifted out Texas! It left a creator in its place but since the pipes do not cross states it should be okay.

"TEXAS MECHA PILOTING!" Alucard shouted, since Rip teleported to him. She stood with her arms crossed.

"Really? Come to Austailia."

Since he used a lot of power to take over Texas, and lift it from the ground to stand on feet, he had to walk over there. But it wasn't a big walk.

It turned out Rip did a similar thing to Austrailia! They fought in the ocean, a fist-fight that ended with Rip knocking the Alucard out of Texas (and Texas flew back to its original position from her levitation powers), and on the sideways Austrailia by Rips' head!

"You can knock the Alucard out of Texas but you can't get the Texas out of Alucard without laxative.s" He joked. "Also WOW is that a big fall. Looking at Austrailia sideways like this is making my head hurt."

"Then let me take on a more life-sized form." Rip laughed, de-possessing the continent and standing on its beach edge. Too bad they were on a beach, hta'ts a shitty location for a final battle- NO WAIT! Rip teleported them on Mount Everest! To uh... avoid sharks, I guess. Both of them hated sharks. Anyway Austrailia fell back in its old place.

"VAMPIRE FORM 666!" Alucard cried, turning into his beard form and making a ton of familiars.

"Level Zero." Rip said.

"Level Zero? That's a stupid na- HOLY SHIT THAT'S A LOT OF FAMILIARS!"

It was about 100 times as much as that time Alucard flooded London! Gulping, he thought that strategy mattered over strength and numbers and hotness, so he ordered his army to charge foreward-

Alucard lost. He was passed out, and woke up to see Rip standing over him, grinning.

"I took some of your biggest, prized possessions. The Flunk-Outs. The Sol. Lex's group, the League. And the Akatsuki. And maybe a few others, I don't remember."

She left and he passed out again. Then woke to see Integra and Walter standing over him.

"So... this is it." Alucard said, sad and standing sup. "Like in the beginning, beaten by a supernatural figure way stronger then me. Left just with you two. I miss the others... Cortana, Kaitana, Denise... heck, even Kamina was a pretty cool guy. I'm sad that they all quit. Maybe I should join them and tell you two to just piss off."

"Well, at least you distracted Rip. She was not kidding when she said her attention span was short. Now she's off goofing off and playing her new familiars. Becides, that was your first loss. It's not like you'll have more, right?"

"No, I guess not. Especially so soon. Well, I'm going to teleport back to the manor. It's been one heck of a monday."

"Technically Friday."

"...Fourth?"

"Eleventh? Which just hit morning in London."

"...I need a break."

"Do not the worry. Mission acomplished!"

* * *

So then Alucard went back to the manor, was tired out, and tried to relax. He sat down in his seat, leaning back and relaxing, and staring at the screen.

Al Card Badguy who was powerful vampire and also vamp hunter was at once on Fakebook (Get it like Faxbook but not which is like a joke from The pimpsons?) when he sudently got tweet from his boss Integra Heck who told him that vamperers and zombys where attacking forest...

Oh, one last thing I forgot. Rip's outfit in 2000 was a normal bra and panties, again white. And in 2011/2010, it's the same as it was in HUC with the bra a bit skimpier and now a thong. She gets into a more revealing casual outfit every ten years, but she makes lots of copies of the outfit so that she's not wearing the same thing for that long.

* * *

**Footnotes:**

**A:** This is actually kind of serious. When I randomly named him, I didn't plan that he would survive a whopping two chapters while nearly all other villains introduced here also die.

* * *

**Closing AN:**

Rushed, rushed, rushed. Sort of. I kind of had everything planned.

**Removed/Planned Ideas (That Might Come Back):**

Just covering things related to this chapter, while they're all still fresh on my mind.

Generally, just a lot of gags in the hot springs. One was that, while Kamina was mesmerized by the nude women, Quagmire would appear, but it's revealed that he emerged from the toilet instead of the tub like he thought. Something in the fight would accidentally pull on the lever, and he would get flushed and broken into chunks. Another is that, while in Gurren underwater, Kamina would be visited by Denise, who would enter her full-human form (originally she and Kaitana were to spend most of their time this chapter in their mermaid forms) for... better navigation somehow, and have to kiss him to grant him the ability to temporarly breathe underwater. No, the fact that he talks clearly underwater was not a mistake left after this. That was inconsistency for the sake of a quick, cheap laugh.

Another idea was to have Kenny last a bit longer, and have him get into a little fight specifically with the merpeople couple. He'd threaten to piss in the spring or something, but they'd threaten to turn into those parasites that- let's ignore that one. Another is that Kamina would get... _too_ interested, to the point where he risks doing something dirty into the water by accident (complete with announcing, urgh, "EVERY WOMAN GET OUT OR YOU WILL RISK GETTING PREGNANT" or something like that), but I had no way of working that in without making it come off as way too crude for _SBIG_'s standards.

You can tell that I had a lot of fun with the nudity here.

**Final Thoughts:**

Well, this really doesn't feel like a final chapter. Probably because, unlike almost every other finale, there isn't really an "epilogue scene." And how could there be, since the epilogue amounts to "How _Hecksing Ulumate Crconikals_ began?" But yeah everything else was either a one-shot, two-shot, or had some kind of "post-main villain scene" explaining where everyone is and a brief look into their normal life. It's like _Carl Stevens Universe_, except there I specifically tried not to give a real epilogue to see what it's like. Anyway, going back to this, it is a little odd that the main story proper ends with Anderson's defeat and the non-Alucard/Integra/Walter members simply leaving, and the final battle was... read below.

Not much to say other than what I covered above except that the whole "final fight" between Alucard and Rip might be a huge spoiler to HUC since that fight's inclusion doesn't seem to make much sense unless you know what will happen in it. Specifically, why... uh... Rip would take Alucard's familiars. I'm not sure if I should put a "spoiler" section below for those that read HUC.

* * *

Through the streets of Konoha, a figure darted through in shadows. Energetic, dopey, and loud, this pre-teen revealed himself as...

SASUKE UCHIHA!

Watch as he takes down Naruto, "The Guy with the Ninja," in _Naruto: The Guy with the Ninja._

...Or, as it will be "officially" written, _naruto the guy with the ninja._


End file.
